Callie's Baptism

We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And so, we try to live our life as disciples of Jesus Christ. Are we perfect? No. Not close. But we do believe that through Jesus Christ we can be perfected. It's a life long process. We believe that children are born innocent and pure. They don't have the ability to sin and they don't carry any sin into this world with them. Because Christ was perfect and followed all of His father's commandments, so must we. We need to follow his perfect example and enter the waters of baptism...and as we do so, we enter the gate that is mentioned in the scriptures. We make a covenant when we are baptized to be like Him, with the knowledge that we will continually need His help and will need to live of life of constant repentance, starting over, making small improvements each day, just doing our best. He knows we aren't perfect, nor does He require that of us right now. But what He does require is our heart and our desire to try and to do. That's what baptism represents to me. That commitment, that covenant, to constantly try, in His name, to do our best...to try to live up to our divine nature and heritage.

We are baptized when we are 8 years old, or older. I don't remember my baptism details. I remember after being baptized, I wore a white dress with a pink ribbon around my waist. I thought that dress was beautiful. I remember my Aunt Geri gave me a gold necklace with a cross on it, and I cherished that necklace. I remember eating cake in a room in the church afterwards. But the rest is a blur. What isn't a blur is what that day has meant to me in my life. Because I was baptized, I have made different choices in my life than I wouldn't have made otherwise. I did stupid things still, but I always decided to do better next time, to repent...to turn back to God. That one decision to be baptized transformed my life. And I'm grateful for it.

Before Callie turned 8 years old, we talked to her about baptism. We really wanted this to be her decision, and if she didn't want to do it or didn't feel ready, then we wanted her to know that was ok. Sure we hoped she wanted to be baptized, but more important to us was that she was making this choice on her own. At one point, she didn't want to be baptized. Later she told me she didn't want people to look at her. Well, we could keep the baptism private with just family...but did she want to partake in that sacred ordinance. For months we had no idea what she really wanted. And then one day she said she wanted to...and she wanted Daddy to  baptize her.

On Saturday, February 6, 2016, Callie, along with her friend, Leo, was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The room was packed with people who love these two kids so much. We all felt the Spirit fill our hearts and it was a beautiful day.

Since Callie's baptism, I've seen her spiritually progress. In fact, I've seen her understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ advance more than it ever did for me at this age. It's a confirmation to me that these children have been set apart for this time...a time when we need stronger spirits, more determined to follow truth and light...that she is here to be a defender of truth and righteousness and to raise her family in love and light. She makes me a better person. I love Callie so much and I'm so very blessed to have her in my life. I would be incomplete without her.

Playing with cousins in the parking lot before the baptism. 

Aw, sweet Hayley.

Family

Sammy and Micah weren't so compliant, but it was still a beautiful day. :)

Callie and Daddy

Micah seriously refuses to be in any picture. I hope this phase doesn't last too long.

I love my girl.

Callie was baptized by immersion...and before doing so, Marcus took his black socks off. ;)

Callie and Leo
Buds getting baptized together.

Sammy's Feature Story

 

Feature Story News

Extra! Extra! 

Read all about it!!!

Or watch it, anyway.

About a week or so ago I received an email from a reporter in Washington D.C. 

Hi Jenny and Marcus - I came across your story, and that of Samantha, through the Foundation for Children with Microcephaly. I'm writing from Feature Story News in Washington DC - we make TV news for multiple English language channels around the world. While we are focusing strongly on the Zika virus at present we want to better understand the link with microcephaly but also (and absent from the coverage so far) better explain what a diagnosis of microcephaly means for children and their parents and how the condition is managed; I saw physical therapy was one aspect looking at your blog? If you would consider sharing your and Samantha's experience on camera please let me know. Best regards

Of course we'd be willing to help out, but see...we're not in DC. We're in California, Bay Area. That wasn't a problem for them. Within the day I was contacted by Rachel Silverman and we set up a time for her to come and visit our family. 

Yesterday Rachel came over. With her was Patrice, the filmer who flew up from LA that afternoon. They spent about 3 hours with us capturing different situations, talking with the kids, playing, and then interviewing both me and Marcus. Though I'm self conscious about what I probably look like and of course after the fact I wish I had said different things, we had a good time as a family. The kids were great and generally happy. Sammy was fun. And all in all, I'm just really glad that through our experiences we may be able to help others along their own journey.

The story will be done soon and they will send us a link to it when it's ready. I would have never imagined our life involving so many people from all over the world, but boy am I grateful for it!

 Sammy's a fan of Rachel's elephant sounds.

I felt a bond with Patrice. It was later that she told me that she has an aunt with down syndrome and could relate to a lot of what I said about the blessing of having special needs in our life. How grateful I am that someone with such a sensitivity and true love for the topic was able to capture our family on film. 

Heavy Heart

When was the last time you cried? I mean...cried. When it just poured out from you uncontrollably. I did yesterday morning, and it happens periodically since I got the news.

For the past few weeks my uncle has been in the hospital. He's sick. Very sick. Infection is all throughout his body and he's not getting better. He's been confined to a wheelchair for the past 20-some-odd years. He's had a pretty full life all considering. But it's his time to go, I guess. And this morning they will remove the ventilator and he will hopefully pass on.

I talked to Dad yesterday morning. It was emotional and migraine-inducing. My uncle is a good man. A great man. And as he laid in his hospital bed, my dad, his sister and my cousins went and had lunch in the hospital cafeteria. There they discussed funeral plans.

Dad told me if there was anything I wanted to tell Uncle Roy I could write him a letter and they'd read it. In many ways, it's unfair to have time to sit and write down your thoughts and have someone else read it. There was so much more I was able to say because I wasn't saying it. The truth is, my uncle is an amazing person. I know we all think that about family members. And there's truth in all of us being wonderful. My Uncle Roy is amazing. Amazing. I'll include the letter I wrote because I want to have that forever. It explains a little bit why I think he's so great. But it doesn't explain it all.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I wish I were there. Last night I was completely emotionally spent. I had such a busy day that got thrown out the window. All of a sudden not much that's sitting there on your calendar matters when you're talking about losing someone. I was supposed to go up to Mountain View to see some friends who I've recently met. I've met them once. I call them my friends. We don't hang out weekly, but I love them. I sent them a message telling them I may not make it and explained what was going on. They didn't say, "Oh I get it. Just stay home and sleep." Instead, they encouraged me to come and said we'd all cry together. They made it clear they wanted me there no matter what condition I was in. Last night I drove up to Mountain View and stayed far too long. I didn't cry. I had a lot of fun. We talked about my uncle. We talked about adoption. We talked about music. It was so refreshing.

When I got home, Micah woke up at 2am. He seemed really upset so I went in and held him, and as I did, I thought of Uncle Roy and a huge peace flooded my body. My heart didn't ache anymore.

I woke up to a text my sister sent telling me she had read my letter...barely making it through...and that it was hard to be in the room there. I'm grateful so many others are there with him. My sister and parents left and now, he's being sedated and his family waits there with him.

My heart is heavy again with sadness. And deep love. Such a difficult and sacred time. My mind is really foggy right now. And I can't help imagining myself being there. Which is making me cry even more. But it's ok. These tears are worth it. I love him. I love my family. And in just a few short minutes...he'll be reunited with so many loved ones and we'll wait for our turn to see him again. It'll all be ok, but it doesn't make it easy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Uncle Roy,

Where do I begin? Truly, where do I begin? 

I love you. That's a good start. You're my birthday buddy. May 20. I've always thought of it as our day. I have so many good memories of coming over your house, playing with Sadie, having Bonnie apply press-on nails to my little bitty hands! Good times! I remember your warm smile...and that mustache. :)  Classic Uncle Roy.

My family isn't good at keeping in touch. We just aren't. It's a problem, a flaw. But now, it is what it is. So, of course I wish I had flown out to Michigan more, emailed you and Aunt Geri regularly, etc etc. But even though I didn't (and sorry about that), I want you to know that when I think of childhood memories with my extended family, it's you I think about. It's Aunt Geri getting food ready in her kitchen. I remember spending the night a few times when I was really little while my parents went out of town. You;re the uncle I spent the most time with, really. And, I love you. 

For a large part of my life you have been confined to a wheelchair. You, Uncle Roy, have taught me so much about life through your quiet and humble example. About pain and about joy. About perseverance, never giving up, that life is good...finding beauty that surrounds us. Did you always feel happy? No. Who is? But that's how I saw you. And it changed me. The truth is, you were always just my uncle...and you happened to be in a wheelchair. But as I got older, I realized how much that changed your life and what that meant. Without me even knowing it, you taught me. I mean, once a teacher always a teacher right? 

I learned that physical limitations were only that...physical. And that what was limitless was the influence of our spirits and the love we had to share. In a very real way, you prepared me for one of my greatest gifts and blessings...for Samantha. I think her birth and life could have been so much harder if I hadn't seen how "normal" life can be when things don't seem so "normal." How life isn't about what we can't do...but what we can do. And there's so so much we can do. You taught me that and nestled hope in my heart that I didn't even know was there until I needed it. Thank you. 

So, I have a request. I believe with my whole heart that when we leave our bodies behind, we greeted by those we love...people who have loved us and have been watching out for us from the other side. Some are family members, others are those who just feel like family to us. I'd like you on my team to watch over Sammy. And maybe when it's her turn, you'll be there to welcome her home...especially if I'm not there to do it myself. I'd like you there.

I love you. I wish I were there to do it myself, but Aunt Geri is going to give you a big hug and kiss from me now. And if life is eternal, which I believe it is, this here on Earth goes by pretty fast. 

I guess I'll see you soon.

Love you always,

Jenny  

Primary Program 2014

What is my favorite Sunday of the year? It's the Primary Program. If you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you'd probably say the same thing. Every Sunday we are edified by speakers in our congregation and hear great messages. We feel the Spirit and it's great. But on this Sunday, the Primary Program Sunday, the children are in charge of the day. They share the messages. They give the talks. They provide the music. They often usually also provide the comic relief.

For the third year, I've been responsible for the "script" of the program. It has become increasingly important that this is their program, not a program that we create for them. And so, this  year I asked them questions, and they answered. I recorded what they said, and boom, the script was made. What resulted with a program full of sweetness, honesty, and testimony. I sat up at the podium with the children and enjoyed every moment of it. They were all so well-prepared and excited to do the program. I know Callie had invited many friends to attend. The songs were so beautiful. They sung like angels. At the end, I couldn't even sing the closing song, Families Can Be Together Forever, because I was choking on my own emotions, tears spilling over onto my cheeks.

What was the overall message this year? Families are Eternal. They are permanent. There is no end to our family bounds after death. We can be together forever. By following the plan of our Heavenly Father, we can return and live with Him again, be wrapped in the arms of our Savior, and be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. For me, I'm not sure there is a greater message that the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches. These children get it. Their purity is beautiful and their message simple and true. 

I'm grateful for my eternal family. I will do all in my power to make sure that we will be together forever. No momentary pleasure is worth sacrificing my eternity with them, because without them, my eternity would be feel empty. 

After church we tried to get some pictures of our two sweethearts who participated in the program. Let's just say, pictures haven't been the easiest lately, but we'll never stop trying to get a good one! 

Incomplete

We have been smitten with each of our children.  There has been something very magical about each of our children's individual stories...when we first met them.

Micah is sealed to these 2 crazies.  The girls are happy about it, he's rather concerned.

Samantha was a love story that began early on. We were so excited. I loved being pregnant, feeling her grow and move. Looking back, all I remember is the beauty of that time. I feel so blessed that I had that opportunity to be pregnant, to experience life within me. I realize that experience is a gift and don't take it for granted. After she was born, she was placed in my arms. She was this new life...pure and when others saw her imperfections, all I could see was how perfect she was. We were in love. She has never lost that fresh born innocence. She is a rare gift and I don't take that for granted either.  She is a gift that brings purity to our home.

No, Sammy didn't look like this when she was born...her baby pictures are on the other computer.  But I can assure you she was adorable.

Callie's love story began, much like her personality. Swift. Full of energy and momentum. After only about a month after being approved for adoption, I received a phone call. She had already been born and was waiting for us. Sammy and I flew out to Michigan...back to my home...to pick her up. I don't know why, but I was so nervous as I waited for her to be with us. That night, this tiny new creature was placed in my arms and all the nerves melted away. She filled my heart with so much oozing crazy love. I was actually surprised at how intensely I loved her so immediately...after only even knowing about her for a few days. That love deepened quickly. I remember sitting on my parents couch, only weeks later, and feeling that deep bond of mother and daughter. Callie has always been observant, curious, cautious yet adventurous. She is a gift that brings life and energy into our home.  We are so in love with her and her contagious laugh and smile.

Callie.  1 week old.

Scotty and Annie's wedding.  Our two baby dolls.

Micah was a longer journey...but full of love nonetheless.  After failed adoptions and a lot of heartbreak, Lindsey entered our lives.  Over the months, we fell in love with Lindsey and her family.  I felt as if she was a part of our own family, our hearts slowly being knit together by a maternal bond. In the delivery room, I played a different role than when I was last there. Before, I was the one laying on the bed, laboring to bring our child into the world. Now, I was there helping Lindsey as she labored to bring our child into the world. It was overwhelming and one of the most precious experiences I've ever had. Micah is a gift that brings unity (and more testosterone) in our home.  We love our little boy so much.

Mr. Man all gussied up for his newborn photo shoot

We feel very blessed and fortunate to have 3 amazing children who have added more depth and love to our lives. And...we feel incomplete. I wonder what our next love story will be like. I wonder if it will take long like Micah's did, or if it will be fast like Callie. I wonder if we will meet our next birth mother beforehand and build a relationship with her, or if we will build a relationship with her only afterward. I wonder who the Lord will send to our family.

So yes, we begin the adoption process again.  It's exciting and scary to begin this all again.  But I know that going through it all will help us feel more complete.  Creating families is not easy, but it's always always worth it.

Colin and Megan's wedding
Our family...minus 1

Micah's Birth Story

There are so many miracles that have happened in the past few months and so much that I want to document.  But, today, I'll begin at his birth.

On Monday, while visiting teaching Heather, I got a phone call.  I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number and was more concerned about my visit with Heather and Lisa.  Then, Heather's home phone rang.  It was Peggy (my mother-in-law).

"Jenny?  Lindsey's water broke."

I immediately left and called Lindsey.  Sure enough, she was in the hospital and waiting for me to come up.

I drove up to the hospital and hung out with Lindsey and her mom.  There, we waited, and waited.  We played Pictionary, talked, tried to sleep.  We ate a little, laughed, and I finished a blanket (that I was giving to her) right in front of her.  Yeah.  She was a week early...so, I didn't get things done on time (thank you Hailey for helping me).  People came and visited.

Then, contractions.  She had been having them before, but now, they were the real deal and hurting.  It was interesting being in the room with her.  Over the past few months my love for her has grown so much, and it was painful for me to see her in pain.  She was champ though.  Seriously.  A champ.

29 hours after labor, and 22 hours after ACTIVE labor, Micah was born.

I can't explain how incredible it was to be in that room with her.  First of all, I was completely touched that she wanted me to be there with her and her mom.  Her grandma came as well, and so it was this team of women...a room full of so much love.  I was honored to be among this small circle.  In fact, I told Lindsey that I think I was more emotional than she was!  Yes, she was working hard and was focusing on getting the job done (which she had been hoping, I'm sure, had happened 15 hours before).  But seeing her work so hard to bring this little life into the world, and knowing what that meant for our family...I was so overwhelmed.  Often Cindy (Lindsey's mom) would lovingly look over to me as I just cried.  Those moments are priceless to me.  I wish I had the words to explain this all.  Birth is a miracle.  Lindsey is a miracle.

After Micah was born, we stayed in Lindsey's room.  He was weighed, cleaned up, and I was able to hold him skin to skin....all 9 lbs 4 oz of him!  He had a slight fever and had a bit of trouble getting the fluid out of his lungs, but he was fine.

It was a little while before everything was cleaned up and ready before the men-folk were able to come back in.  Marcus had to wait a good 20 minutes before he was allowed in, along with Lindsey's grandpa and father.

I held him.  Marcus held him.  Lindsey, her mom, and her grandma held him.  There was so much love in that room all because of this one little man.

oooo look at that little tongue

First picture of Mommy, Daddy, and Micah
(Remember...about 30 hours without a shower and real sleep)

I instantly fell in love with him.  I credit that all to Lindsey.  With adoption, sometimes the adoptive family misses out on some of the bonding time.  I didn't carry him for 9 months and feel him move.  There's just a lot that the adoptive family "misses" out on.  And when Callie was born, I was prepared by others that it could take some time to bond, that the mother/daughter bond may not be immediate.  I immediately fell in love with her, but it did take me a couple weeks before I felt like she was my daughter.  And the moment when I felt that connection with her was a spiritual one.  I remember exactly where I was sitting, the time of day, and the feeling I had.

When Micah was born, that feeling came the day he was born.  Once Lindsey knew we were her family, she let us into her heart and his life.  She allowed us to experience it all with her, the best she could anyway.  Being in that room with her during the labor and delivery, I know I wasn't doing the work, but I felt a part of it.  I felt like all those adoptions in the past couple years that have fallen through were because we were waiting for him.  It just all felt perfect.  He's perfect.

Going home

Since he's been home, we have loved holding him, cuddling him, feeding him, just being with him.  He's such a blessing...such a joy.  There's a peace that all newborns carry with them.  They are fresh and new.  Pure and clean.  He has slowed down our lives and brought a spirit of love and joy into our home in more abundance.  We look forward to the days ahead and for the years ahead with Lindsey and her family.  This little man is surrounded by so much love.  There are so many people who have been praying for him and loving him before he even made his earthly debut.

Welcome Micah.

We love you.

A Month from Today

A month from today, our son is scheduled to be born.  I'm a little stunned that it's already so soon...and our birthmother feels like he'll come even sooner still.

When Samantha was born, I remember thinking that nothing could be more amazing.  Then, Callie entered our lives.  Her story struck me so deeply because, partly, I wasn't expecting how spiritual and grand it would be.  I was humbled and so full of love and joy...it was incredible.  Surely, surely nothing could be sweeter.  Then...this little one.  A part of me is still hesitant to speak as if he's already in our arms.  I know too well that adoptions fall through.  We have been so close to having a baby in our arms...2 adoptions fallen through, and 1 we had to turn away for another baby -- that ended up not happening.  Three.  Two and half years.  I recognize that many wait longer than we do.  It's a long journey in creating the family that Heavenly Father has in store for each of us, and this is ours.

When our last adoption fell through, I was hurt and a bit broken.  We had dealt with 2 other babies, and I just couldn't quite believe that this was happening again.  We had received pictures of the newly born baby and were ready to fly out when we got the word.  All of a sudden, we had empty arms and $1200 in airline credit.  Only about a week later we received an email from a birthmother.  Marcus was out of town and so I replied to the email.  There was no part of me that believed this email was going to go anywhere.  I was still too hurt to consider it a possibility I suppose.  Instead, I believed this email was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father helping boost my spirits -- reminding me not to give up and that people were still looking at us.

That email started a flurry of correspondences going back and forth several times a day.  After a couple weeks, I thought this may have some potential and so I told my mom about it all.  The emails kept coming and going, then phone calls.  That first phone call was great.  We talked until late in the night.  It was natural and fun.  She told us that she answered questions she had for us without her even needing to ask them.  We felt comfortable and things were going well, but we made NO assumptions that this was it.

Then, we met.  A week before Samantha's birthday, our birthmom, her mom, and her best friend met us at Happy Hollow.  Callie quickly clung to Lindsey and tore through the park holding her hand, dragging her from here to there.  It was  natural, again.  Fun.  We sat down and talked for awhile while Peggy (mother-in-law) took Samantha and Callie and let them play.  We talked about what it would all look like if we were to move forward.  Marcus and I, even at this point, didn't think Lindsey would have her mind made up by then.  She had told us that she was waiting for a spiritual confirmation and felt like she couldn't tell us we were it.  We told her to take her time and that she really  needed to know for herself who her son's family would be.  But, even still, that morning on the way to the park, I had a pressing thought that this could be it...the day she lets us know.  I tried to push it out of my mind though.

After talking, we gave her a small gift and she gave both Samantha (for her birthday) and Callie (just because) a gift.  Then, she gave us a gift.  We read her letter first.  She thanked us for preparing ourselves, expressed her love for us, and ended it with, "Congratulations!  It's a boy!"  Inside the gift bag were baby boy clothes.  We all cried and hugged....and spent a little more time walking around the park.

Since that day, our love and friendship has continued to grow.  I can't imagine Lindsey not in our lives.  She's a beautiful example of faith and pure love.  She wants so much for her son to have what she can't offer at this time.  We aren't just adopting her son; we've already adopted her into our hearts forever.  She is family to us now and we love her dearly.

I have been pretty quiet about this all...waiting, I suppose, as if that will help if this too weren't to happen.  But then, I finally got to the point of thinking:

1) This is coming up really soon
2) If it were to fall through, perhaps it's better for people to know.  We can always use prayers, thoughts, and love rather than struggling alone.  Right?  Right.

We anxiously anticipate her phone call letting us know she's in labor.  Her plan is that we head up to the hospital so I can be in the delivery room with her and they can hand us the baby immediately after he is born.  We will spend time with him until she feels ready to see him.  I imagine it will be an emotional day...but it's easier knowing that Lindsey is forever apart of our family and she never has to really say "goodbye."  That's what she has told us as well.

So, until then...stay tuned.  We'll see when this little guy comes, but Lindsey tells us he's already 7 lbs with 1 month left to go!  She's warned us to start lifting weights...and I've told her how wise she is to go for the epidural!!!

Development and Growth

We all need change.  Without it, well, we'd be the same.  And that's not good.  We are meant to grow, develop, become something greater than we already are.

Developments
* Sammy is standing straighter

* She is beginning to shift weight from leg to leg without falling over
* She stops herself when approaching objects more consistently

* She broke a poster-sized picture frame at therapy (ooops)
* She is talking a lot during therapy.  "I'm coming" and things of the sort
* She is doing better at keeping her feet flat...instead of rotating out and standing on the outside of her foot

Notice her feet...this was the 2nd day we were here I believe.  She is putting her weight on the outside of her feet.  This is improving quite a bit.

* She continues to protest like a champ when she doesn't want to do something
* She doesn't trip over the exercise mat at all anymore...consistently steps up over it

Growth
* Samantha's head stopped growing when she was 4 months old.  She had surgery to correct her skull and during that time, the doctor said he allowed space for her brain to grow.  If it did not grow, the skull would collapse back to where it was.  Her brain did not grow.  The skull collapsed and there was a large ridge that ran across the top of her head.  We began doing craniosacral therapy and over a period of time, the ridge was smaller.  This ridge was always covered by her honey-colored hair, so it was only obvious to me as I braided her hair or whatnot.  At every doctor appointment, her head as measured at 33 cm.  That's tiny, folks.  At the last doctor appointment we had before coming to Utah, only days before we came, she measured at 34 cm.  We were shocked, so I had him do it again.  Samantha sat so calmly while he measured her head, that he did it a few times.  34 cm.  Samantha was given a priesthood blessings many years ago and was told that her brain would grow.  I've put a lot of faith in that.  It doesn't matter if it grows or not, really...but I believe those words. There could be a lot of explanations about that 1 cm growth, but I believe it's the beginning of more growth.  She will always be small.  I'm ok with that.  This is more about my faith and seeing the fruits of it.

 * Speaking of growth...we are expecting a baby boy in September.

Fasting and Answered Prayers

hmm  I'm not sure where to begin, or how to actually begin, yet, I feel like I should write.  wow, that makes me sound so important...must. write. as if I'm on my last breath of air and need to get "my story" out there or something.  gag.  Nevertheless, I do feel like I need to write this down.

A couple weeks ago, we had stake conference.  Elder Hainey was our visiting authority and during the adult session, he talked about missionary work.  At one point, he addressed those who truly wanted to be involved with missionary work but just couldn't fathom how..."I don't know anyone," "I never have the opportunities," etc.  And though I did feel more motivated to boldly share what I believe in (if even only by example to my friends as he discussed), I felt prompted, spiritually nudged.  There have been many things on my mind, and something he said clicked.  Even though my issue(s) isn't (aren't) about missionary work, he gave me my answer...and that night Marcus and I discussed it. 

What was that nugget of wisdom?  Fast.  I fast once a month.  The first Sunday of the month is typically set aside as a time when the members of the church, and anyone else who would like to join, fasts for 2 meals.  I struggle with it.  I do.  I get cranky when I'm hungry.  But I recognize that it's a way for me to more thoughtfully pray and seek the Lord's will.  What Elder Hainey suggested was that...if there is something we truly care about, we need to show the Lord we are serious about it.  That involves sacrifice.  He suggested: fast...but not just on Fast Sunday.  Fast on another day.  Show Him that you are serious about your desires.

Am I serious?  And if I'm serious, am I willing to sacrifice?

I decided I was. 

A little later, there were new developments (not great ones) with our nephew, Nathaniel.  This guy has been through so much...and so have his parents.  It's a difficult experience to be at the mercy of doctors you don't trust and to feel like progress isn't happening as it should...or, that the situation is actually becoming worse with each doctor appointment.  I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by sharing the experience we all shared...buuuut...

We received a phone call explaining that Nate's parents were notified by the pediatrician that their child had developed an abnormality from being in a hospital bed for too long.  It had developed in his hip and he may be wheelchair-bound.  They should consult an orthopedic surgeon to see if surgery was an option.  I immediately went into therapy mode -- "Well, the bones aren't quite set yet...malleable...with enough therapy...the right kind of therapy...if you can get him to crawl...Sammy did this exercise for her hips..."

A couple days later, I remembered what Elder Hainey had said.  If we're serious about this nearly 2 year old child getting better, we need to sacrifice.  I talked to Marcus and we coordinated a family fast.  I'm not sure who all participated in it, but an email went out to the extended family.  I informed them that we would be fasting and praying that whatever miracles Nathaniel stood in need of would be granted him and if it be His will, Nate would be healed.  I was thinking along the lines of...get the trach out, start breathing on his own and being able to eat food instead of needing his g-tube...start crawling/moving, etc.  But, even if that miracle was hearts softened, feeling peace and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength during this time -- a clearer perspective -- we were fasting and praying for it.  That was probably the most sincere fast I've had in awhile, but I still gratefully broke my fast at lunch!

Yesterday, I received a call from Scott.  They were coming home from the hospital where they met with the orthopedic surgeon.  How did it go?

"Yeah, well, he came in, looked at Nate, moved his legs around a little bit, and said he wasn't worried about it.  We could follow up in a few months but he didn't see any big concern."

"You're telling me that your pediatrician made you worry like that for nothing?  What an idiot!  Seriously.  I'm all for being thorough, but at least she could have said, 'I see something, let's just get it looked at.'  Instead, you freak out...over, basically, nothing?!  That doctor."

Yep.  That was my attitude.  I was so annoyed with their pediatrician.  It wasn't until that night when Colin got home and I told him.

"So all that stress over nothing."

"Or maybe it was something, but it's not now."

Stopped. Dead. In. My. Pride.  Yeah, here I was thinking that the doctor was a jerk (and truthfully, she did handle it unprofessionally), that they ought to get a new doctor, that that that...and then boom.  I felt this rush of...of course -- our fast...and then embarrassed.  Here I was, the one who was going to put all her faith in fasting and got the family involved, and I was so   s  l  o  w   to even recognize the Lord's hand in this.  Yet it was the first thing that Colin thought.  It was the first thing that my mother-in-law thought.  It was nearly the first thing Analisa thought. 

I then, thought...about this all last night.  And despite the 3 hours of sleep I got last night (because Marcus is out of town and what I'm pretty sure was an animal -- at least I hope -- in the backyard was freaking me out), I woke up so happy, excited, and energized.  I truly believe it's because I feel the Spirit so strongly since I said a prayer of thanks. 

I have no question in my mind that Nathaniel was healed.  That that was a small miracle.  Perhaps with the right therapies, work, stress, perhaps surgery, and...whatever...his hip would have corrected itself.  And I really do believe it would have.  But I also believe ~ or choose to believe perhaps ~ that we are witnesses to a miracle.  The same miracles we read about in the New Testament...right here.  Healing.  The united faith of our family, our prayers, the desires of our hearts were granted.  Like I said, I was prepared for a miracle of just feeling peace.  I did have faith that Nate could be healed, but it was like...0 or 10.  I thought he would either have no physical change from our family fast and just...we all would be changed spiritually with a new attitude and perspective (0)...or that he would be this miraculous mystery to all the doctors because all of a sudden...he's progressing like crazy...and completely healed (10).  I expected something to happen.  0 or 10.  But, what about 1-9?  Ohhhh, I think I bypass miracles #1-9 too often in my life.

I now wonder how many small, or huge, miracles I miss because I automatically attribute them to something or someone other than the Lord.  I was humbled when Colin so quickly turned it around for me.  What a blessing.  There is power in fasting, there is power in prayer, and there is power in a family who does it together. 

Adoption Woes

I've mentioned we've had our trials lately, and as of about 1/2 hour ago, I feel comfortable writing about it.  I have been wanting to write, but I just couldn't...until now.

We started the adoption process a couple years ago.  This time around has been far different than it was with Callie.  Everything was so fast, and smooth, with Callie.  This time, however, every step has been long and drawn out.  Getting our background checks took months and months before they came through.  We were finally approved for adoption this past February.  And I honestly thought that our baby was right around the corner.  I was so naive.

Time went on, and discouragement would peak its nose in every now and then.  But I have always felt that the Lord is intimately involved in our lives...and adoption placements are not exceptions.  I remember one afternoon talking with Peggy, my mother-in-law, in the kitchen.  She asked how I was feeling, and I replied, "I actually think it's going to be a long time and then...boom boom...like twins."  Life continued, and though it was very eventful, it carried on without a new baby.

While we were in Utah for Samantha's therapy, we were contacted by 2 sets of birthparents.  Two sets.  What?  I remembered that small discussion I had that day in the kitchen.  Was this supposed to happen like this?  Practically twins?!  It seemed absolutely crazy, but I was excited about the thought.  Sure, the next 5 years, at least, would be a challenge, but if this is how it was supposed to happen, it'd work out.  Both birthparent's situations were complicated.  Birthparent A had some medical things we were a tad concerned about.  We also were only working with a volunteer caseworker because she didn't want any contact at all.  Birthparents B wanted a very open adoption, the baby is already born, and they are living overseas.  We were feeling really good about adopting both babies, but we were growing a good relationship with couple B.

We prayed.  We fasted.  And we decided, and felt good about talking to both sets about adopting both...but that if there were any problems with that, we felt good going with couple B.  When couple B said they felt uncomfortable with us adopting both babies, decided that we would "choose" them.  How strange is that?  We discussed our adoption plans.  They told us they were committed to us and they realized that we were turning down another baby for their daughter.  It's strange, but as happy as I was to be moving forward with them, I felt a huge loss.  I felt like I had lost a baby, but I felt peace about the decision.  It was a weird experience to feel such great sadness and peace at the same time.

Things progressed.  There was a lot we discussed, and we were preparing for a 2 month old baby to enter our family.  A little girl.  A little girl with a white father, black mother -- curly hair and green eyes.  When we'd talk, sometimes we'd hear her squeaks in the background.  It was so cute.  And with each day, and especially each Skype session, I was growing more love for this birthmom and dad.  The truth is, we click.  Really well.  She expressed how peaceful she felt about us, and we were excited.  Happy.

The day before we were leaving for Disneyland, we got an email from her.  She stated that she had talked to her mom and that she was going to have her mom adopt the baby.

I was crushed. At first, I was shocked.  I didn't cry until my dad called to see how I was.  Then the tears came.  And I couldn't hold it together.  The crying-so-hard-you-can't-make-any-sound cry.  The "Jen, are you ok?  Are you still there?" from Dad cry.  That doesn't happen often.  I was devastated.  I cried.  On and off all day, I would just break down.  Then came the massive migraine.  My arms actually went numb.  And I became physically sick.  I vomited throughout the night, but felt better in the morning...and off to Disneyland we went where I felt so so blessed.  I felt such gratitude for my little family.  Yes, I want a baby so badly, to hold a new little one in my arms, to wake up in the evenings to feed him, to do it all again...but for that day, all of that didn't cross my mind.  I was so in love with Callie's bright smile and Sammy's soft giggles.  I felt ok.

When we returned home, there was an email in our inbox from our birthmom.  She apologized and felt like she had acted too quickly.  If we were willing, she and the birthfather still wanted us to adopt their little girl.  We began skyping and trying to get things straightened out.  We wanted to make sure she really felt good about everything.

I can't imagine what it's like to be a mother who then decides that adoption is the best for her baby. Can you imagine?  But she truly felt she wasn't in a position to raise her baby and felt that this would be best.  But, who should take care of her baby?  This is now what she had to decide because things became complicated when she told her parents that she had a baby.

We've talked a lot, each time fantastic, but we've just never known exactly what she was going to decide.

Tonight, we got our answer.  It was a relatively short chat.  She told us that she had decided that she was going to have her parents take care of the baby.  They won't be adopting the baby, but rather taking care of her.  When she is ready, she can go back and start taking care of her baby herself -- in a five years or so.

I guess deep down we knew this was going to happen, or that it was very likely.  And most of my emotional reaction I think I got out when we received that first email.  But when she told us, I got a pit in my stomach and I'm just sad.  I'm really sad.

I still feel like there's a baby out there for us.  Somewhere.  Sometime.

Tonight when I logged on, I was surprised to see so many emails from friends and I haven't talked to in awhile.  Not a ton, but enough to make me think that the Lord was behind it.  Enough of you asking me how things were going and how we've been on your mind.  He is intimately involved in our lives.  And as soon as I get over the initial sadness, I think what I wrote the other day -- those feelings of peace will replace this.  Probably sooner than later.  At least that's what I hope for.

I told our birthmom tonight that I believe things happen for a reason, even if we don't understand why...there's a reason.  I'm not sure why this happened.  But I do know that my perspective of adoption has changed.  Our experience with Callie was very...near perfect.  I always looked at adoption through rose-colored lenses.  Perhaps now, after going through this, I can better empathize with others who go through this as well?  Or maybe we'll be that much happier and filled with joy when our baby does finally come.  OR, maybe this is all for Samantha, or Callie, or or or...

All I know right now is...I love my family.  I love the way Samantha curls up to me.  I love how Callie will only read books with me if my arm is wrapped around her.  I love how both of their eyes light up when Marcus or I enter the room.  I am so so grateful for what I have.

But I'm also really grateful tonight for my friends who emailed me, maybe prompted to do so.  And I'm grateful for Modern Family.  I needed that laugh.   

Family and Friends

One advantage of having therapy here in Utah is we've had the chance to catch up with family and friends.  This past Saturday we headed to Cafe Rio.  I love Cafe Rio.  This was an exciting occasion.  In addition to the food, we saw Spencer (who I don't think I've seen since our wedding!), Eric (cousin), and his...wait for it...fiance (YEAH) Angela.  (They became engaged a few hours after we had our little reunion.  I'm so happy.)  It was fun to see them all and eat, talk, and hang out for a bit.  I wish we could do it more often.

Bryan, Samantha, Spencer, Eric, Angela, Callie, Marcus, some pregnant-looking lady who people confused me with

After Cafe Rio, we headed to Bryant and Taeko Smith's.  Bryant was helping us with our computer and Callie and Rionna started playing.  (I hope I'm spelling names correctly here.)  Callie and Rionna played well together...aren't they so cute together?  We're going to try to get together again sometime before we head back to California.  Callie would love that.