Sunday, April 26, 2015

My Heart

8 months old

I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling especially tender about Samantha lately. More often, I'm stop in the middle of what I'm doing, think about what an angel she is, and I just tear up. It lasts a brief moment but it's happening often. If I didn't intentionally stop myself, I would be in full out cry mode all the time. And I really don't have time for that. I pray that this constant reminder of what a blessing Sammy is in my life is merely a time when I'm spiritually growing, becoming more connected in my life, recognizing my blessings....and not that I'm being prepared for something...something I don't want to think about. I think back to some very difficult times in her life...

Just out of surgery
Finally able to hold her

and I count our blessings. The truth is, as extremely difficult as it all was in the beginning, she has gotten easier over time. Things have just kind of evened out and hit a happy and welcomed lull. Her seizures, for the most part, are stable. Overall, as she has grown and matured, she has mellowed out. She really only cries when she's hurt or upset. And when she does cry, it's so sad  you can't help but join in. We definitely still have our concerns, but she is so pleasant and such a true joy to be around.
Doing well. Still swollen and hair already slowly coming in.

Those eyes

Here's the thing...and it's very simple. I am so blessed. When it comes to my children, I feel like I am so incredibly blessed...and it all began with Sammy. Her entry into the world wasn't an ideal start. In fact, it was rather emotionally traumatizing. But her life, her little spirit, has filled our home with so much love. I want to be a better person because of her. I want to make sure I'm always worthy to be by her side...and quite frankly, I'm not. She's so much better than I am...just a far better person. She has this beautiful capacity to love and trust, so immediately. Often, I wonder if the biggest lesson that I need to learn from her isn't just that -- to love and trust immediately. To love and trust the Lord...immediately. I'm working on it. There are other lessons that I've learned from her, that's for sure. Patience. That's a big one. Acceptance. Tolerance. Hope. Faith. But those, I am finding, are secondary to that one big one...the need to put all my trust in the Lord...just as she puts all her trust in us. I haven't figured it all out yet, and I don't think I'm expected to either. So it's ok.

Father's Day 2008
Sammy and Callie both look just baby dolls
Samantha's life led us to adoption. I can't imagine our lives without Callie and Micah. In a very real way, I feel like Sammy directed us to them. I don't know how it all went down, but I know Callie and Sammy, in particular, have a sweet bond. Once Micah gets out of the Tackling Sammy phase...I'm sure the bond between them will get a little better. Like, oh, maybe she won't flinch when she sees him coming. Or when he approaches, maybe she'll stop just pushing him away. She's a sweet girl, but she's learning to hold her own against her big little brother! I think Sammy probably had a meeting of some sort before she and her siblings were born. I'm not sure how much she knew before...if she knew what she would face...but I don't think it was much. I think it goes back to trust. I think she maybe just trusted the Lord that it would be for her good and because she has a heart of gold and loves Him so much, just went with it. She knew that it would all work out as it should, even if it was difficult. And so, I think she probably shared that with her future siblings. And I think they hugged. I can't see all their faces, but there are more present at that little meeting than just Callie and Micah. There are others prepared to be by Sammy's side as her siblings. I feel it.

She brings sunshine into our home. My days are happier when I've spent time alone with Sammy. It only needs to be a little bit, but I feel my day is whole when I've had a little time with just her and me. (Well, that's kind of true for all my kids...but I'm talking about Sammy right now.) That's one reason that I look forward to putting her to bed. It's time when I can just hold her. She curls up in my arms and just rests there. She looks up at me usually once or twice, smiles, and then nestles in again and cozies on up. It's frequently one of the sweetest parts of my day.

My life isn't perfect. But I'm ok with that. There's a Colin Raye song that I've referenced before...She's With Me. In many ways, I feel like that's Sammy's song. I feel like her imperfect perfection is my ticket into heavenly splendor. As long as she's with me, I'm maybe good enough to slide in...because she's making me a better person. Maybe she can vouch for me and she'll let the angels and sentinels know, "Don't worry guys, she's with me." I truly believe Samantha is my personal angel -- slowly smoothing out my rough edges, encouraging me, lifting me, and at times pulling me along.

Sweet Samantha. I love my little girl so much there is no way to adequately express it. I can't possibly imagine my life without her...or what my life would have been without her. I will forever be grateful for all the trials we have ever endured if it means that I'll be a step closer to being with her for eternity. She is my heart.


Lori and Matt said...

Beautiful! Love you and that little girl of yours!

Lant Family said...

What a sweet post!

Heidi said...

This is so beautiful. I wouldn't worry that the bits of grieving mean you are being prepared for anything. Often, it is when things get better that we can handle grieving what we have already lost, in bits and pieces. It doesn't mean you aren't grateful for what you have--it just has to be done--and you didn't have time for as much as was needed when you learned all of the truth. I think it is just you healing.


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