Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Feel Bad About This...I Really Do

So, as I was putting up the last post, Samantha was screaming in her crib, and I feel bad about this, I really do. Here's the deal (and Danette, I know you get will understand this), I can no longer have a child who doesn't sleep. I just can't. I'm spent -- emotionally and physically. There comes a point when a woman needs to sleep!

Samantha always had had sleeping problems, but we had gotten through it. She was at the point where she was sleeping through the night. Then, when she was 7 mths old, she began her seizures. This completely changed everything. I'm speeding through our seizure history here, but the seizures got so bad that we had to sleep with her; at least that was the only way we felt comfortable about the entire situation. We had to be able to stop any "big" seizures, and the only way we would know if she was having a "big" one, is if we saw or felt it. Well, Samantha decided that sleeping with us was the best way to sleep.

We have done this so many times, reteaching her to sleep on her own, fall asleep on her own, and be a happy restful child. But each time she had another seizure episode, we went back to square one and it was worse. The older she gets, the more determined she is to get what she wants.

Her seizures have been under control, thankfully, for over a month now. Marcus and I have discussed starting this process over again, but I was hesitant. I told him I didn't want to start until we could be consistent, and I wasn't feeling like I could be consistent. I hate hearing her upset. It makes me sad. I can just imagine her in there as she screams, thinking "Why? What did I do? When did things change? Mommy. Mommy! Mommy?" It's sad.

But, today is the day. I can no longer do it. Last night, I literally slept approximately 3 hours. I can't do that, and neither can she. So if it takes a week of screaming, I can handle it, and so can she. Samantha may have a small brain, but she's a smart girl. She'll figure out that it's time to sleep. Her body will tell her that. We have the ear plugs handy, right on the night stand, so we can take turns each night getting a good night sleep during this process. I say I get the first night of peaceful sleep. If anyone has any better ideas that don't seem so emotionally abusive, I'm interested. In the meantime, I'm going along with my sister's plan, and what we've used in the past. Hopefully, this time, no medical emergencies will interfere with this working long term. Sweet dreams to all...maybe it is just a fantasy. I'll let you know.


Lant Family said...

Good Luck!! Hopefully it wont be as bad as you think. Yeah she is smart and she will figure things out, hopefully soon.

The Bobos said...

If you really are against the crying idea, there is a book I read that really helped with Natalie's sleeping habits until we moved. It's called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution," by Elizabeth Pantley. I learned A LOT but I'm doing the crying it out thing because I've lost patience as well. It's going well for us, so hopefully it'll go well for you. You'll be in our prayers!!

Lindsay Jane said...

So I'm the one who stopped you in Target yesterday and realized shortly thereafter that I should probably let you check my life out since I spy on yours daily. I'm, feel free to spy on me too!

Danette said...

I'll be thinking of you tonight! Good luck and use those earplugs.

Webster Groves Ward Book Club said...

I know just how you feel Jenny! When Jane was crying it out I actually got out her baby book and wrote in it how much I loved her and how much I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I wasn't abandoning her. I laugh about it now. My rule with Jane, and subsequently with Eliza, was to try something for 4 days. If at the end of 4 days we had no luck, we would cut back a little. However, I was dropping night time feedings, so it was a slightly different scenario. Good luck. It will end! Love, Em

Courtney and Sam said...

Good luck! Bria doesn't nap very well, and today I tried to see how long it would take her to cry herself to sleep, and I gave up after 7 minutes. I can't imagine going through that all night! But you gotta do what you gotta do. Samantha will be just fine! And in the end, you will both be happier.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Jenny, just go with your gut feeling. Your child has special needs and nobody knows as well as you what is needed for both her and you. It is a super tough spot that you are in because, when there are special needs, there just doesn't seem to be enough of anything to go around, not sleep, not time, not energy, not money, not anything! Don't waste any of your energy feeling guilty or bad--just do what you have to do to survive while doing your best to get everyone's needs met. Everyone cares and wants to help and sometimes they say things that pinch just a little--but they really can't know what you go through. I sure wish I was closer so I could hold cute girlies for you while you took a nap. love you!


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