See this family?
What do you think when you see this family?
It seems that what I see and what I am currently feeling are not the same.
Don't let me mislead you...
We are happy, and I daresay, fun. We love each other and are all together a pretty great family ~ for us anyway. I am so happy. I feel like we are becoming who we are supposed to be, and that's a great, great thing. But, today I'm sad.
Let me just throw this out, however.
I may have written about this before (I have certainly talked about it before), but all things that bring us the most peace and happiness in this life also has the potential to bring us the most pain. The most sorrow. The most grief. But, that isn't necessarily bad. In the moment, it may not feel like it's fun or great...but in the long run (if we can keep our vision on "the long run"), it works out better. And the pain, sorrow, and grief is replaced by comfort, peace, and love. Little by little. I believe it, partly because I experienced a small portion of that through Samantha.
The past week we have been working on an adoption placement. After our last adoption placement fell through, I was leery to share what was going on here with anyone. I was afraid to get hurt again, and somehow not telling people about it, I figured, would protect me? Yeah. Dumb. Nothing can really protect you from pain unless you aren't human. I am. Human that is.
We've been busy juggling schedules and preparing for this new little girl in our home. I pulled out all the baby clothes and washed them, folded them, and have them ready to go. Samantha, Callie, and I are leaving tomorrow.
Except I'm not packing my bags.
I'm possibly not bringing a baby home.
Today, I cried.
Today, when I told Callie, she cried. She was really looking forward to getting "our baby." She didn't understand why she wasn't going to have a sister.
And I cried as she cried.
And we hugged.
And we hugged.
I don't understand a lot of things:
why this is happening again
why we can't just have another experience like we did with Callie
how we are possibly going to create the family we envisioned
why I felt sooo sooo good about this baby and birthmother entering our lives...to potentially not have it happen
but what I do know, and what I told Callie tonight, is no matter what
I love our family.
I may be sad.
I may not have the family I "planned" on
But he is enough
She is enough
And she is enough
I'm not giving up. I'm not trying to get that message across. But with all the emotions I am feeling, among them is a deep deep, insanely deep gratitude for the ones I do have now (while simultaneously feeling a little numb -- it's strange). Marcus, who is my best friend. Who supports me in everything. EVERYthing. Who will always be by my side. Samantha, who has taught me faith, hope, and patience. Who brings light everywhere she goes. Who teaches me through her innocence and purity. Callie, who is kind and smart. Who is my buddy and does anything she can to help. Who is truly compassionate and sensitive to other people. Who is one of the reasons I still have hope for our future family and having more kids. She is my reminder, daily, that we can still have the family we are supposed to have...that Heavenly Father has prepared for us. Because, yes, I feel He is that intimately involved.
So, things will happen as they should. And I will continue to love love love my family ~ and perhaps, even more.
This is not
This is life.