Thursday, April 26, 2012

How Life Happens

See this family?

What do you think when you see this family?
It seems that what I see and what I am currently feeling are not the same.

Don't let me mislead you...
We are happy, and I daresay, fun.  We love each other and are all together a pretty great family ~ for us anyway.  I am so happy.  I feel like we are becoming who we are supposed to be, and that's a great, great thing.  But, today I'm sad.

Let me just throw this out, however.


I may have written about this before (I have certainly talked about it before), but all things that bring us the most peace and happiness in this life also has the potential to bring us the most pain.  The most sorrow.  The most grief.  But, that isn't necessarily bad.  In the moment, it may not feel like it's fun or great...but in the long run (if we can keep our vision on "the long run"), it works out better.  And the pain, sorrow, and grief is replaced by comfort, peace, and love.  Little by little.  I believe it, partly because I experienced a small portion of that through Samantha.

The past week we have been working on an adoption placement.  After our last adoption placement fell through, I was leery to share what was going on here with anyone.  I was afraid to get hurt again, and somehow not telling people about it, I figured, would protect me?  Yeah.  Dumb.  Nothing can really protect you from pain unless you aren't human.  I am.  Human that is.

We've been busy juggling schedules and preparing for this new little girl in our home.  I pulled out all the baby clothes and washed them, folded them, and have them ready to go.  Samantha, Callie, and I are leaving tomorrow.

Except I'm not packing my bags.  
I'm possibly not bringing a baby home.

Today, I cried.  
Today, when I told Callie, she cried.  She was really looking forward to getting "our baby."  She didn't understand why she wasn't going to have a sister.  
And I cried as she cried.
And we hugged.

I don't understand a lot of things:
why this is happening again
why we can't just have another experience like we did with Callie
how we are possibly going to create the family we envisioned
why I felt sooo sooo good about this baby and birthmother entering our potentially not have it happen

but what I do know, and what I told Callie tonight, is no matter what
I love our family.
I may be sad.
I may not have the family I "planned" on

But he is enough

 She is enough

 And she is enough
 I'm not giving up.  I'm not trying to get that message across.  But with all the emotions I am feeling, among them is a deep deep, insanely deep gratitude for the ones I do have now (while simultaneously feeling a little numb -- it's strange).  Marcus, who is my best friend.  Who supports me in everything.  EVERYthing.  Who will always be by my side.  Samantha, who has taught me faith, hope, and patience.  Who brings light everywhere she goes.  Who teaches me through her innocence and purity.  Callie, who is kind and smart.  Who is my buddy and does anything she can to help.  Who is truly compassionate and sensitive to other people.  Who is one of the reasons I still have hope for our future family and having more kids.  She is my reminder, daily, that we can still have the family we are supposed to have...that Heavenly Father has prepared for us.  Because, yes, I feel He is that intimately involved.  

So, things will happen as they should.  And I will continue to love love love my family ~ and perhaps, even more.

This is not
The End

This is life.


Jennifer said...

Dear, Sweet, Jenny - I'm so sorry. But, I'm happy for you, too, that you found a way to feel/show gratitude alongside the pain. I love you so much!

hilary said...

Oh Jenny, I hope you know how wonderful I think you are and my thoughts are with you guys right now. I'm so sorry you are going through such pain but am also inspired by your hope. I send you my love!!

reggstyl said...

Love you, Jenny! As always, thanks for sharing the bad and the good. Your blog is a real reflection of life.

The Nelsons said...

Jenny, i wish there was something I could do. All I can say is building a family isn't for wimps, no matter how you slice it. I know the right baby will find you guys at the right time. Xoxo

maryirene said...

my heart is breaking for you, and yet your strength and faith continue to inspire me. i love you jenny. God bless you and your dear sweet family.

April said...

Oh Jenny- I am so sorry for your heart break. You are an amazing mother and wife and anyone who joins your family is truly blessed!

Megan said...

Oh wow, amazing, amazing. You are truly strong and that strengthens me and so many around you. But the cool thing is you realize you don't always have to be strong - we all break down. We all have dreams unrealized - at least for the moment. Love you Jenny!

Lori and Matt said...

YOu are one strong lady and amazing mother and wife. I'm excited for the future for your family- however it comes along. Love ya!

Lant Family said...

Jenny (and Marcus) I know you guys are great parents and your girls are so lucky to have you both! One thing that I know is Heavenly Father is mindful of all we go through and things will work out for your family!

Missy said...

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks reading this. I admire your strength and honesty. I hope there is something wonderful coming around the corner for you and your family.

Jennie said...

Thinking of you guys.... So sorry this is happening. Purpose in all things, right? :) Thanks for being such a great example to all of us.

Laura said...

You are a dear, sweet mother. I am so glad to hear that you know there is purpose in all things. There is also tears and hard patience; you can do it! We are all praying for and thinking about you often!

mj said...

I have words, but not the right ones, so I'm not even going to try. But I will pray for you. The Green family has big, big fans on the east coast. That is for sure.

Shian said...

I'm so sorry! I'll keep you in my prayers.


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