Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Bummer...But Worth It

I've been bummed out the past couple days.

Monday started fine.  It was a nice day.  That night we went to a BBQ to say goodbye to some friends who will be moving away.  On the way home, Samantha had a seizure.  We pulled over, I jumped out of the car and got in the back with her, and just waited.  We didn't have Diastat, but it was clearly a seizure that could have used it.  It was an intense seizure...convulsing, lips blue/purple, very pale face, eyes rolled back...and I couldn't help her.  It was the worst feeling.  Callie asked what was wrong with Sammy, and I just explained the best I could as Samantha continued to convulse.

When she finally stopped, it was clear that she wasn't coming to.  I just couldn't get her to look at me.  When we got home, she was completely limp.  I held her for a couple hours that night.  She cried for awhile.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if her crying is from fear or pain.  I don't know if she's dizzy or tired.  Or, perhaps it's all of that combined.  Either way, it breaks my heart.

This seizure really bothered me.  She's been having them more regularly again but skipped the month of May.  Most of the seizures have been at school.  This was the first one I've seen in a long time...and it was bad.

Seizures make me sad.  This picture wasn't taken yesterday, but a few months back when Sammy was sick.  She is so active...always going going when she's on the couch like this, you know something is very wrong.  Sickness and seizures.  They both really put her out of commission. :(
Last week I was thinking about Sammy and wondered, "How long will we have with her?"  I'm not afraid.  I'm not facing the future with fear of that horrible day.  But, I don't welcome it.  And I recognize that her reality is that her days are a little more fragile than most.  And it's a bummer.  A really big bummer.

So, with those thoughts on my mind, and watching her have this seizure, I have had a harder time recovering from this seizure than she has had.  Moments like those, when I sat in the car hold her little face in my hands -- it puts things into perspective.  Those pounds I want to lose?  Who cares?  Seriously.

But today a fried came over for a playdate with her kids.  We talked and laughed and it was healing.  It brought me out of my mini funk and put things into a different perspective ~ one that I appreciated.  Though each day is a gift and I'm grateful to be reminded of how precious life is, we also need to find ways to cope, enjoy the relationships we have, laugh, and not be consumed with the heaviness of any situation.  Because, I don't think I have time for that...or want to make time for that in my life.  I think I would miss out on a lot of joy if my heart was that heavy all the time, even if it was heavy with feeling all the deep love I have for my angelic daughter.

Without going into much detail, I really feel like, in a very odd way, both Sammy's seizure AND today's play date were tender mercies that urged me to make changes in my life, while also confirming Heavenly Father's love for our family.  Yesterday I would not have said I appreciated these little experiences, but tonight...I think I can.

It's all still a bummer, but one day, I'll understand and it'll be worth it.


: ) said...

Oh, Jenny, my heart hurts when yours hurts. I am also touched and relieved when your pain is buffered by love from above, family and friends.

Emily said...

Love your faith Jenny. I think you can pursue this thought path with confidence. Feels right on to me.


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