For real? It's that late? AH! This weekend has been a rough one for our little trooper #1, and lucky for us little trooper #2 is so sweet and can be entertained by finger puppets while we hold #1. Sammy's been having seizures again. It's been so long since we've had them, that I kind of forgot what it was like. When I say so long, I mean a couple months I guess...so not that long...but it was a nice break. I'm hoping she's having them because she's coming down with something and not because her medication is no longer effective and we need to make adjustments. Marcus was sick last week, so maybe she just picked up the bug and that's triggering them. But little Sammy Sam-Sam sure is struggling. Today she probably had about 8 or 9 siezures. We went to church for about 15 minutes before we realized it just wasn't happening today. She was so exhausted from the morning seizures and I just couldn't get her to settle down. I'm sure the entire congregation heard her cries from the farthest corner in the building. We came home, and while holding her for 3 hours so she could sleep and recover, I read a couple books and fell asleep...and now I'm up at 1am. Tomorrow's going to hurt.
While the Greens were here, I had a little conversation with Peggy. Marcus and I have no debt. This is a huge HUGE blessing. Not that we didn't prepare and really plan in order to be in this situation and be extremely frugal at times...but, that's not that hard to do. Both of us have been this way since we were little. Marcus is getting his PhD, we don't have any debt, and I was telling Peggy that in a way, compared to the other people in his program and some of our other friends, I just feel like we haven't paid our dues. We have it pretty easy. She commented that she felt we just have different trials. I agreed, because that's polite...but I wasn't quite sure if I really did agree or not. I really felt like we had it easy.
Then this weekend came. Today, I was reminded of how hard it's been with Sammy. I love her more than I could ever express. I could never imagine my life without her, and really can't remember what our lives were like before her. I thought I had a pretty awesome life, but it paled in comparison to how much joy this little girl brings. My life if fuller and awesomer with her clinging to my neck. But we have also had heartwrenching experiences with her that I really don't want to ever have to go through again. During these past few seizure-free months, I forgot how we alternated sleeping on the couch with her, how these seizures wipe her out, how uncomfortable I get seeing her face get pale and her lips turn blue/purple as she struggles to breath. I know others have it much worse, but even so, tonight, began to think...we do have our own dues that we pay.
But then, 1:15 am approaches. I know she is curled up in a ball, the same way she used to when she was only 2 months old, but I go in to check on Samantha anyway -- a compulsive quick look to make sure she isn't seizing without me there to hold her, stroke her hair, and tell her that I love her and that it'll be over soon -- I realize that all along, I was right. As I look down at her, and little flips of hair frame her face that is squished up against her pillow, I am overcome with the Lord's love for this one little girl. She is a gift. I'll take the surgeries, I'll take the seizures, I'll take the sleepless nights, I'll take it all for my little girl, because we really do have it easy after all.