Monday, June 1, 2009

Thoughts at 1 am

For real? It's that late? AH! This weekend has been a rough one for our little trooper #1, and lucky for us little trooper #2 is so sweet and can be entertained by finger puppets while we hold #1. Sammy's been having seizures again. It's been so long since we've had them, that I kind of forgot what it was like. When I say so long, I mean a couple months I guess...so not that long...but it was a nice break. I'm hoping she's having them because she's coming down with something and not because her medication is no longer effective and we need to make adjustments. Marcus was sick last week, so maybe she just picked up the bug and that's triggering them. But little Sammy Sam-Sam sure is struggling. Today she probably had about 8 or 9 siezures. We went to church for about 15 minutes before we realized it just wasn't happening today. She was so exhausted from the morning seizures and I just couldn't get her to settle down. I'm sure the entire congregation heard her cries from the farthest corner in the building. We came home, and while holding her for 3 hours so she could sleep and recover, I read a couple books and fell asleep...and now I'm up at 1am. Tomorrow's going to hurt.



While the Greens were here, I had a little conversation with Peggy. Marcus and I have no debt. This is a huge HUGE blessing. Not that we didn't prepare and really plan in order to be in this situation and be extremely frugal at times...but, that's not that hard to do. Both of us have been this way since we were little. Marcus is getting his PhD, we don't have any debt, and I was telling Peggy that in a way, compared to the other people in his program and some of our other friends, I just feel like we haven't paid our dues. We have it pretty easy. She commented that she felt we just have different trials. I agreed, because that's polite...but I wasn't quite sure if I really did agree or not. I really felt like we had it easy.

Then this weekend came. Today, I was reminded of how hard it's been with Sammy. I love her more than I could ever express. I could never imagine my life without her, and really can't remember what our lives were like before her. I thought I had a pretty awesome life, but it paled in comparison to how much joy this little girl brings. My life if fuller and awesomer with her clinging to my neck. But we have also had heartwrenching experiences with her that I really don't want to ever have to go through again. During these past few seizure-free months, I forgot how we alternated sleeping on the couch with her, how these seizures wipe her out, how uncomfortable I get seeing her face get pale and her lips turn blue/purple as she struggles to breath. I know others have it much worse, but even so, tonight, began to think...we do have our own dues that we pay.

But then, 1:15 am approaches. I know she is curled up in a ball, the same way she used to when she was only 2 months old, but I go in to check on Samantha anyway -- a compulsive quick look to make sure she isn't seizing without me there to hold her, stroke her hair, and tell her that I love her and that it'll be over soon -- I realize that all along, I was right. As I look down at her, and little flips of hair frame her face that is squished up against her pillow, I am overcome with the Lord's love for this one little girl. She is a gift. I'll take the surgeries, I'll take the seizures, I'll take the sleepless nights, I'll take it all for my little girl, because we really do have it easy after all.




9 comments:

maryirene said...

the way you write is so beautiful. the way you express these most personal emotions and experiences, the faith that you show, and the love that we can all see that you have for your dear daughter. i am so grateful that you have the comfort from your Heavenly Father. He truly is our life and salvation. I agree that you definitely have paid your dues, and i'm sure i don't even know the half of it. i am so grateful that samantha was sent to you and marcus. she is one lucky girl. i am glad that i got to live by you for a while and got to know that little girl. i remember how hard it was to say goodbye to her. i'm sorry it is hard again. i wish she didn't have to have it so hard. i hope the non-seizure time can come back soon. love you guys.

Lori and Matt said...

Poor Sammy. I hope that you get some rest today, and that the seizure free days come back soon. Jenny your views as a mother inspire me so much. You are such a blessing in your two little girls lives. Good luck, keep chuggin along and know that we're rooting (sp?) for you! I love you!

Annie said...

love. that. post. Thanks for putting things into perspective, Jenny.

Jessica said...

Jenny - you are such a great example to me. I don't want to admit this, but I often read your blog and wonder who you do it all. We all definitely do have our own trials. I don't know if I could handle yours, but we don't know that unless faced with it. Sammy is a beautiful girl and is progressing because of the love she knows and feels from her family. I love coming on your blog and sharing the joys with you like when Sammy said "ishy" for the first time, and also for sharing the hard times like when her seizures come back. You bless not only her life - but all those of us who get to keep in touch with you and read your blog and gain strength because you show such great strength. Hang in there Jenny, and know that you have many friends who love you and wish they could support you in more ways than simply commenting on your blog. Keep up the AMAZING job you are doing!

sagebrushandbuttercups said...

Love you dear Jenny! Thanks for your beautiful message.

Maren B said...

Good job "paying your dues," Jenny and Marcus! We are cheering you on from afar.

Nikki said...

Jenny, you are so amazing. I hope you know that. Sammy was obviously meant to be with you guys. What a wonderful, loving, unselfish mommy she has. You are such an example to us all.

JAZKK Low said...

Really jenny, you should write a book. you are an angel and i look up to you.

Susan said...

Jenny, You really do have a gift for writing! I hope you continue to have the strength you need to continue coping with all your challenges so gently and so graciously...
susan

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