Thursday, August 6, 2009

I May Never Learn

Here I go again, feeling horribly guilty for my failure to recognize, what should be, the obvious. Samantha had a seizure today. It was pretty bad...short but intense...and she has been asleep on the couch for the past 2.5 hours. Callie has been napping the entire time, so I also got a little nap while I held Sammy. I have been so self-consumed with how tired I am that I didn't stop to think about what Sammy is probably going through. Yesterday it did occur to me that Sammy's sleeping patterns are sometimes associated with seizure activity, but for whatever reason, I just thought she was going through a rough spell of sleepless nights. Wrapped up in how I've been feelings lately, I didn't consider what she must have been feeling. And, that makes me feel horrible.

Over the past 3 years I feel like I have come to terms with, and gotten used to the fact that Sammy can't communicate really well and can't take care of herself the way some other kids can. Despite my obvious weaknesses as a mother, I feel like she and I have a pretty good system. I feel like I understand what she needs and wants most of the time. But it's days like this when I'm reminded that I don't know everything, that I can't perceive all her needs, and sometimes I can't be there for her like she needs me to be. That hurts. It makes me extremely sad to think that I can't be what she needs. It makes me cry tears of pure frustration and sadness. Even still, she's our little angel and I know one day we'll talk for hours...and I'll be able to apologize to her for all my slip-ups and impatient, ungentle tones...and hopefully she'll accept my apology...because there is nothing that I love quite like my little girl.

1 comment:

Jana said...

Jenny- Don't be so hard on yourself. You are an amazing mother!!!! You are a great example to me. Hang in there, hopefully you can get more sleep.



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