I heard this song last night and thought of Samantha. Here are the words...and then my thoughts...
I am a little apple seed
Sitting on the ground waiting to be
An ap---ple tree, an ap---ple tree
Everyone tells me that I'm oh so small
And I'm never gonna grow to be big and tall,
big and tall but I tell them wait and see . . .
I'm gonna be like an apple tree
I'm gonna let all my branches run free
I'm gonna reach way up to the sun and
Open my arms for everyone
And like an apple is sweet
I'm gonna be so sweet
And like an apple shines in the sun
I shine my light on everyone
'Cause I' m an a-p-p-l-e, apple tree an a-p-p-l-e.
Don't you just think of Sammy when you read these words? So many people have told us what she won't do, but it's never stopped her. And it's because of who she is...within.
An apple tree becomes an apple tree from an apple seed. (woa, say that 10 times really fast!)
We are human beings because the seed we come from is genetically engineered so that we are...human.
But there's more. Spiritually, we come from the Master. We are sons and daughters of God...of Heavenly Father. We are born from spiritual seeds of greatness. Perfection. Power, strength...and if we believe that, we are unconquerable. Because God is in us. In each of us. No matter what our bodies look like, or how incapable we are of communicating or "doing," we are His. The Light of Christ shines in our eyes and in every single cell within our bodies. We are divine. Because we are His.
I believe in God. I believe in my Savior. And if they are the architects of my life, and of the lives of each of my individual children, then we cannot fail...IF we also believe that we can start over each day and try again. See, I also believe that is a part of the plan. That the Plan, capital P, includes messing up, feeling discouraged and sad...sometimes angry, and continually turning around ~ toward Him, giving Him our burdens, and moving forward. In the book It's Kind of a Funny Story, Craig suffers from depression and his doctor tells him "Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward...." Always making progress.
I don't struggle with clinical depression. But I struggle with mortality. I struggle with my imperfections and overcoming my own personal issues. I struggle with being a mom, putting faith in the Plan for our family, and actually handing my burdens over to the Lord. I struggle still, sometimes, knowing that Samantha experiences pains and frustrations that I can't empathize with...because I don't know her pain, not like He does. And because of that, I struggle, at times, with sadness.
BUT, the majority of the time, I don't. Most of the time I find joy in every aspect of my life.
I find joy in my family.
I find joy in laughing with the kids.
I find joy in being with my husband.
I find joy in cleaning the house, or making a healthy meal.
I find joy in Sweatin' for Sammy and feeling the love of soooo many people...and then the joy of paying it forward and helping others with the money raised.
I find joy in meeting new people (like I did today at church!) who share with me some of their life and we connect. I find joy in that.
I find joy in being with friends.
I find joy in the rain and in the shining sun.
I find joy in life.
I'm serious...my life is so full of joy. That doesn't mean, though, that I don't cry from time to time.
|Sure my eyes are shut, but check out Sammy's ridiculously awesome smile mid-giggle! That's joy!|
All my children bring me so much joy. Right now, though, I want to focus on Samantha. She has been on my mind a lot. She was my first little baby, the first one I held and loved, stayed up all night with, cried over, and worried about. She had the first nails I clipped, hair I cut, and pains I tried to take away. Aaaand the first tummy I tickled, toes that I counted, and eyes that took my breath away. She was the first little one who taught me intense fear while teaching me how to have greater faith. She was my first teacher.
Though she's created in His image, Samantha's body is noticeably imperfect. Her body is a broken. But she comes from the same spiritual seed that I come from...that each of us come from. She is composed of pure divinity. You know that dessert...divinity? She's the best possible batch ever made on the face of this earth. Not spoiled by too many or too few ingredients, whipped to just the right consistency, and baked to perfection. Yep, that's my girl. Divinity.
She's the most perfect presence in my life. When I think of the end of this mortal journey, it's Sammy that keeps me focused. Because she can't sin. She can't be hateful. She can't lie, cheat, steal, or hurt others maliciously. She's just my sweet, eternally innocent, Samantha.
How grateful I am that she was placed in our family and that I can call her mine.