Callie's Baptism

We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And so, we try to live our life as disciples of Jesus Christ. Are we perfect? No. Not close. But we do believe that through Jesus Christ we can be perfected. It's a life long process. We believe that children are born innocent and pure. They don't have the ability to sin and they don't carry any sin into this world with them. Because Christ was perfect and followed all of His father's commandments, so must we. We need to follow his perfect example and enter the waters of baptism...and as we do so, we enter the gate that is mentioned in the scriptures. We make a covenant when we are baptized to be like Him, with the knowledge that we will continually need His help and will need to live of life of constant repentance, starting over, making small improvements each day, just doing our best. He knows we aren't perfect, nor does He require that of us right now. But what He does require is our heart and our desire to try and to do. That's what baptism represents to me. That commitment, that covenant, to constantly try, in His name, to do our best...to try to live up to our divine nature and heritage.

We are baptized when we are 8 years old, or older. I don't remember my baptism details. I remember after being baptized, I wore a white dress with a pink ribbon around my waist. I thought that dress was beautiful. I remember my Aunt Geri gave me a gold necklace with a cross on it, and I cherished that necklace. I remember eating cake in a room in the church afterwards. But the rest is a blur. What isn't a blur is what that day has meant to me in my life. Because I was baptized, I have made different choices in my life than I wouldn't have made otherwise. I did stupid things still, but I always decided to do better next time, to repent...to turn back to God. That one decision to be baptized transformed my life. And I'm grateful for it.

Before Callie turned 8 years old, we talked to her about baptism. We really wanted this to be her decision, and if she didn't want to do it or didn't feel ready, then we wanted her to know that was ok. Sure we hoped she wanted to be baptized, but more important to us was that she was making this choice on her own. At one point, she didn't want to be baptized. Later she told me she didn't want people to look at her. Well, we could keep the baptism private with just family...but did she want to partake in that sacred ordinance. For months we had no idea what she really wanted. And then one day she said she wanted to...and she wanted Daddy to  baptize her.

On Saturday, February 6, 2016, Callie, along with her friend, Leo, was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The room was packed with people who love these two kids so much. We all felt the Spirit fill our hearts and it was a beautiful day.

Since Callie's baptism, I've seen her spiritually progress. In fact, I've seen her understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ advance more than it ever did for me at this age. It's a confirmation to me that these children have been set apart for this time...a time when we need stronger spirits, more determined to follow truth and light...that she is here to be a defender of truth and righteousness and to raise her family in love and light. She makes me a better person. I love Callie so much and I'm so very blessed to have her in my life. I would be incomplete without her.

Playing with cousins in the parking lot before the baptism. 

Aw, sweet Hayley.

Family

Sammy and Micah weren't so compliant, but it was still a beautiful day. :)

Callie and Daddy

Micah seriously refuses to be in any picture. I hope this phase doesn't last too long.

I love my girl.

Callie was baptized by immersion...and before doing so, Marcus took his black socks off. ;)

Callie and Leo
Buds getting baptized together.

Love

On Sunday after church, I took this picture. Sammy was walking around and I was trying to capture her cute face. It wasn't working. I figured that none of them would turn out but at least I had tried. When I stopped to look at the hundreds I took in about 20 seconds time, I found this one. At first I thought it was cute and moved on. But all day I kept going back to it. I couldn't stop looking at it. And I still can't. There's something about it that I adore.

Sammy as the focal point makes sense. In many ways our family revolves around this one little girl. Everything we do is done after consideration of Sammy's needs. She's special, and that's ok. It's good. We are learning patience and compassion. Callie and Micah have both taken an especially deeper tenderness towards her lately. I'm not sure what it is, but Callie is always trying to comfort her, calm her down, hug her, play with her hair. She's sweet with Sammy. Micah has been mimicking Callie's ways and it's been beautiful to see this little toddler love his older sister so gently.

I love her hands curled upward. Well, in many ways I despise it, but those hands are precious to me. They are held upward, toward her heart. They are curled into tight fists and curled inward at her wrists. These hands don't serve her as my hands serve me. What she wants done is not accomplished with these balled up hands. They struggle to put food in her mouth properly and cleanly. They do not hold onto objects very well, and once in her hand, they don't release what is being held. For that reason, she has to use the force of her arms to fling it out of her hands. She reminds me how much I take my hands for granted. As I sit and quickly type my thoughts, she struggles to open her hand. For the past week or so, I've been giving Sammy massages before going to bed. I rub out her legs and feet. I finish by rubbing her arms and hands. She becomes so relaxed allowing her hands to unfold and remain free from pulling tight tendons. This has become a special time of day for us both. She falls asleep almost instantly after her massage and I walk away feeling the love you only feel after giving service to those you love.

I love the light that is shining in through the curtain. It creates a soft glow around her and I'm reminded of the light that only the Savior can provide. I see this light in Samantha. I wish I could say that I see it constantly. I don't. My eyes are veiled at times from my own inability to look beyond the moment. Sometimes the teeth grinding or the squeals that are so loud they pierce my ears, or the daily tasks of life get in the way of seeing the light of Christ emanate from her eyes. But occasionally I stop and see it. I stop and absorb it. I have always felt like Sammy is surrounded by angels. I believe that to my core. It's not just a belief, really. I know there is no way she could be where she is today without angels protecting her. She has a reason to be here. She has a mission to accomplish, and I feel really blessed to be a part of that. I do believe that one day, I will see her robed in so much light that I may be blinded by it. That it won't be until I'm sufficiently purified that I will be able to see her fully as who she is. Oh, I truly believe she will be among those who will usher me to my Savior. I love her so much.

I love her little smile and long face. Quite frankly, she is one of the most beautiful children I know. Hey, I get it. People stare of her sometimes. They are surprised by her unusual looks. But she is stunning to me. I think it goes back to that light that shines from her pores. Her soft skin, her rosy lips, her honey streaked hair. She's so beautiful to me. I love all her imperfections because it's who she is.

I love Micah in the back. In his church clothes still, walking with his little Micah swagger, I love his blurred image behind her. It completes the picture for me. He's the visual reminder that in our family, we've all got each other's backs. We're there for one another. We will protect and love no matter what. We won't step out on each other. We will be there. There's a lot that could happen in this lifetime, but we'll be there for each other.  

Primary Program 2014

What is my favorite Sunday of the year? It's the Primary Program. If you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you'd probably say the same thing. Every Sunday we are edified by speakers in our congregation and hear great messages. We feel the Spirit and it's great. But on this Sunday, the Primary Program Sunday, the children are in charge of the day. They share the messages. They give the talks. They provide the music. They often usually also provide the comic relief.

For the third year, I've been responsible for the "script" of the program. It has become increasingly important that this is their program, not a program that we create for them. And so, this  year I asked them questions, and they answered. I recorded what they said, and boom, the script was made. What resulted with a program full of sweetness, honesty, and testimony. I sat up at the podium with the children and enjoyed every moment of it. They were all so well-prepared and excited to do the program. I know Callie had invited many friends to attend. The songs were so beautiful. They sung like angels. At the end, I couldn't even sing the closing song, Families Can Be Together Forever, because I was choking on my own emotions, tears spilling over onto my cheeks.

What was the overall message this year? Families are Eternal. They are permanent. There is no end to our family bounds after death. We can be together forever. By following the plan of our Heavenly Father, we can return and live with Him again, be wrapped in the arms of our Savior, and be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. For me, I'm not sure there is a greater message that the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches. These children get it. Their purity is beautiful and their message simple and true. 

I'm grateful for my eternal family. I will do all in my power to make sure that we will be together forever. No momentary pleasure is worth sacrificing my eternity with them, because without them, my eternity would be feel empty. 

After church we tried to get some pictures of our two sweethearts who participated in the program. Let's just say, pictures haven't been the easiest lately, but we'll never stop trying to get a good one! 

I Choose You

Lindsey is getting married. And I'm so excited! She came down to spend Halloween with us this year and spent the night. She and I stayed up too late talking, crying, and then getting a little slap happy and giggling too much at nothing before going to bed. It was really fun.

One reason she spent the night was because Peggy, Lindsey, and I went to Bloomster's to pick out the flowers for her bouquet Saturday morning. Again...fun. But it was also a little overwhelming for me. The last time I was in Bloomster's, looking at flowers, I was picking out MY flowers. The guy who helped Lindsey was the same man who helped me. He knows his stuff. He's good. But I'm not someone who planned the details of my wedding when I was young. I was a little clueless and out of my comfort zone. All of a sudden I was engaged and thought, "Let's plan a wedding!" I had NO idea what that meant. And as his fast paced energy swirled around me, I felt so overwhelmed. I didn't like my bouquet. When people told me I need to wear darker lipstick for the pictures, I just did it. Now I look at my pictures, I don't like what I see. I wanted to go simple and inexpensive...I think now I would have totally changed what my bridesmaids wore. If I had to do it all over again, I would have changed kind of a lot.

But, it doesn't matter at all. I never ever think about those things until I help someone else plan a wedding...and that doesn't happen all that often. I don't think about my wedding and reception all that much.

What I do remember are the feelings I had that day. I remember feeling so loved...by Marcus, family, and so many people who were strangers to me but friends with Marcus's family. I felt enveloped with love and acceptance. I hugged so many people before who I had never met! And they felt like family! I had so much fun that day. I loved every moment.

So when I look back and think about my bouquet, my not-me makeup, my shoes (I would have spent money to get some really hot shoes), I doesn't matter to me. Because really, I only kept a few things from that day.

My ring. My dress. My man. And really, only one of those matters to me.

I found this picture last week. Woa! That was so long ago. We look so young and ready to conquer the world. At times, if we had allowed it, the world could have easily conquered us. Though Samantha is among our greatest blessings, her life could have pushed us over the edge. But instead, we grew stronger together. Facing adoption is not an easy task. Not only is it a lot of work to put everything together, but we had three birthmothers choose us and then decide they had other plans. Again, we could have crumbled. Well, we did for a short time. We felt the pain of the experience. But we grew stronger together. And we have Callie and Micah. Through graduate school, moving, unemployment, job changes...we could have thrown the towel in.

But that's not what we decided to do before all this happened. Getting married was a decision to stick it out.

When Marcus proposed to me, he did so because he decided that I was worth being with forever. No matter what came about, I was the one he wanted to do it all with and there would be no giving up when it got hard. I said yes because I felt the same way. Not only do we love each other, but we share a common respect and commitment. But more than that, we put all our faith in God. He is a part of our relationship. And I honestly think if He wasn't our focus, our aim, then there would have been times when our crumbling could not have been repaired. Our pain, sadness, despair...it would have sucked us in causing anger and resentment. Instead, because we both have our focus on more eternal paths, we were able to heal together, knitting our hearts even more so.

I'm not trying to make a commentary on other marriages at all. (I will only say, though, that when someone decides to not play their part anymore, it makes it extremely difficult and can take a lifetime to heal from a pain such as that.) My one and only experience revolves around this one man. Together we do all we can to help each other through life. We still laugh. We comfort one another. We see each other at our worst and, luckily, at our best. He's the partner I chose and the partner I would choose again. I hope the same for my own daughters one day. I hope that my son(s) will work to become a husband and father like their own. Until then, I think Marcus is setting a great example of the type of man that will help lead their own families one day...a man who will humbly walk beside his wife, encourage her, love her, and tenderly guide his family back to God.

Fasting and Answered Prayers

hmm  I'm not sure where to begin, or how to actually begin, yet, I feel like I should write.  wow, that makes me sound so important...must. write. as if I'm on my last breath of air and need to get "my story" out there or something.  gag.  Nevertheless, I do feel like I need to write this down.

A couple weeks ago, we had stake conference.  Elder Hainey was our visiting authority and during the adult session, he talked about missionary work.  At one point, he addressed those who truly wanted to be involved with missionary work but just couldn't fathom how..."I don't know anyone," "I never have the opportunities," etc.  And though I did feel more motivated to boldly share what I believe in (if even only by example to my friends as he discussed), I felt prompted, spiritually nudged.  There have been many things on my mind, and something he said clicked.  Even though my issue(s) isn't (aren't) about missionary work, he gave me my answer...and that night Marcus and I discussed it. 

What was that nugget of wisdom?  Fast.  I fast once a month.  The first Sunday of the month is typically set aside as a time when the members of the church, and anyone else who would like to join, fasts for 2 meals.  I struggle with it.  I do.  I get cranky when I'm hungry.  But I recognize that it's a way for me to more thoughtfully pray and seek the Lord's will.  What Elder Hainey suggested was that...if there is something we truly care about, we need to show the Lord we are serious about it.  That involves sacrifice.  He suggested: fast...but not just on Fast Sunday.  Fast on another day.  Show Him that you are serious about your desires.

Am I serious?  And if I'm serious, am I willing to sacrifice?

I decided I was. 

A little later, there were new developments (not great ones) with our nephew, Nathaniel.  This guy has been through so much...and so have his parents.  It's a difficult experience to be at the mercy of doctors you don't trust and to feel like progress isn't happening as it should...or, that the situation is actually becoming worse with each doctor appointment.  I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by sharing the experience we all shared...buuuut...

We received a phone call explaining that Nate's parents were notified by the pediatrician that their child had developed an abnormality from being in a hospital bed for too long.  It had developed in his hip and he may be wheelchair-bound.  They should consult an orthopedic surgeon to see if surgery was an option.  I immediately went into therapy mode -- "Well, the bones aren't quite set yet...malleable...with enough therapy...the right kind of therapy...if you can get him to crawl...Sammy did this exercise for her hips..."

A couple days later, I remembered what Elder Hainey had said.  If we're serious about this nearly 2 year old child getting better, we need to sacrifice.  I talked to Marcus and we coordinated a family fast.  I'm not sure who all participated in it, but an email went out to the extended family.  I informed them that we would be fasting and praying that whatever miracles Nathaniel stood in need of would be granted him and if it be His will, Nate would be healed.  I was thinking along the lines of...get the trach out, start breathing on his own and being able to eat food instead of needing his g-tube...start crawling/moving, etc.  But, even if that miracle was hearts softened, feeling peace and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength during this time -- a clearer perspective -- we were fasting and praying for it.  That was probably the most sincere fast I've had in awhile, but I still gratefully broke my fast at lunch!

Yesterday, I received a call from Scott.  They were coming home from the hospital where they met with the orthopedic surgeon.  How did it go?

"Yeah, well, he came in, looked at Nate, moved his legs around a little bit, and said he wasn't worried about it.  We could follow up in a few months but he didn't see any big concern."

"You're telling me that your pediatrician made you worry like that for nothing?  What an idiot!  Seriously.  I'm all for being thorough, but at least she could have said, 'I see something, let's just get it looked at.'  Instead, you freak out...over, basically, nothing?!  That doctor."

Yep.  That was my attitude.  I was so annoyed with their pediatrician.  It wasn't until that night when Colin got home and I told him.

"So all that stress over nothing."

"Or maybe it was something, but it's not now."

Stopped. Dead. In. My. Pride.  Yeah, here I was thinking that the doctor was a jerk (and truthfully, she did handle it unprofessionally), that they ought to get a new doctor, that that that...and then boom.  I felt this rush of...of course -- our fast...and then embarrassed.  Here I was, the one who was going to put all her faith in fasting and got the family involved, and I was so   s  l  o  w   to even recognize the Lord's hand in this.  Yet it was the first thing that Colin thought.  It was the first thing that my mother-in-law thought.  It was nearly the first thing Analisa thought. 

I then, thought...about this all last night.  And despite the 3 hours of sleep I got last night (because Marcus is out of town and what I'm pretty sure was an animal -- at least I hope -- in the backyard was freaking me out), I woke up so happy, excited, and energized.  I truly believe it's because I feel the Spirit so strongly since I said a prayer of thanks. 

I have no question in my mind that Nathaniel was healed.  That that was a small miracle.  Perhaps with the right therapies, work, stress, perhaps surgery, and...whatever...his hip would have corrected itself.  And I really do believe it would have.  But I also believe ~ or choose to believe perhaps ~ that we are witnesses to a miracle.  The same miracles we read about in the New Testament...right here.  Healing.  The united faith of our family, our prayers, the desires of our hearts were granted.  Like I said, I was prepared for a miracle of just feeling peace.  I did have faith that Nate could be healed, but it was like...0 or 10.  I thought he would either have no physical change from our family fast and just...we all would be changed spiritually with a new attitude and perspective (0)...or that he would be this miraculous mystery to all the doctors because all of a sudden...he's progressing like crazy...and completely healed (10).  I expected something to happen.  0 or 10.  But, what about 1-9?  Ohhhh, I think I bypass miracles #1-9 too often in my life.

I now wonder how many small, or huge, miracles I miss because I automatically attribute them to something or someone other than the Lord.  I was humbled when Colin so quickly turned it around for me.  What a blessing.  There is power in fasting, there is power in prayer, and there is power in a family who does it together. 

Purpose of Life

Today was a great day. Other than being tired, it was great. And even then, because I was tired Marcus said, "Jenny, how about this? How about you go and lay down for awhile and I'll watch Sammy?" Well, how about it handsome hunk? That sounds great to me! So, while Callie was napping, I too jumped in the sack and fell asleep, almost instantaneously...and didn't move for about 2 hours. I woke up with a numb right arm, but it was a great li'l slumber...with dreams even. Who knew that Marcus had an older sister that I didn't know about? Amazing what dreams can reveal.

But later, I hung out a lot with Callie. We baked. We danced. We sung B-I-N-G-O and other fun songs. We ate popsicles. We drew and colored. It was a nice day. And then, after she got into her hair stuff and spread it all over her hair...and face....I quickly threw her in the bathtub. (The hair goop is for dry scalp and has menthol in it. She should be breathing just fine tonight!) As she was playing in the bubbles, she decided to make me some "soup." I was appreciative of that. How thoughtful is my little girl? And it hit me...why she's here. And not just here with us, in this family...but why she's here on earth.

I've never asked myself the 3 questions: Where do I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? Mainly, because I feel like I have those answers. I've been taught from an early age that I come from a Heavenly home -- a pre-mortal existence -- to come to earth to gain a mortal body, to be tested, and then, hopefully, if my faith and obedience are sufficient, to return back to my Heavenly Father. The older I've gotten (and I'm only 30), that answer hasn't become more complex. It has always remained the same.

But today, for a moment, I thought about how pointless it all would seem if I didn't know the purpose. If I didn't know the plan. I thought about the millions of people who just live life and suffer trials without knowing why. I thought about how absurd and absolutely frightening it would be to just be born and then die...to nothing. (If that really was the case, really, where would we come from?) There was Callie, playing and giggling and calling me Dr. Mommy {she's been on a real doctor kick lately}, and how perfectly delightful she was and then I thought about what it would be like to not understand the purpose of it all.

Why we need to try our best to be good people?
Why we have children?
Why do we do anything that we do regarding education, family, relationships, etc?

And then I thought about Samantha and how heartbroken I'd be if I didn't have the blessed perspective of understanding that there is more to life than "life." That, even though it certainly doesn't make circumstances and situations easy, because I know why we're here and where we hope to go...I can begin to make sense of something that would seem so cruel and senseless if it weren't for that knowledge. Why have an innocent child be born with a condition that greatly impedes her ability to function in society? To be born with such a deficit? To struggle, quite literally, during her waking moments...to communicate, move....What is the purpose in that? If it weren't for what I know, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to move beyond those questions, and I could see how easy it is to become bitter and calloused. I can imagine all levels of pain, frustration, sadness, anxiety, anger ~ all those real feelings that I have felt ~ would be greatly intensified if I didn't understand that not only is there purpose to all things, but it's real...and that purpose to try to become more like our Savior, to be full of love, compassion, charity.

In that relatively short moment that I sat with Callie, my happiness, my joy, and my gratitude greatly increased.

This Mare Eats Oats

I have a friend ~ Maren. Maren's a pretty impressive lady. I remember when I met her at BYU just being in awe of her beauty and talent...she's an all around great gal.

I was honored when she asked me to be a guest poster. She has asked a group of women to share "How I Do It." And today...I'm featured. If you care to take a gander -- go on over and check it out.

It'll Happen

So, ok, maybe it'll happen one day. Just maybe. Maybe we'll get a phone call telling us that we've been approved for adoption and that there's a baby for us. This just may happen. I called our caseworker today -- Heather Mahoney at LDS Family Services in San Jose, CA if any of you are dying to know because you HAVE to call her because there's a baby waiting for us -- to ask about the paperwork that is missing of mine. She said they are calling Sacramento to find out more information because they sent it all in together, so they're confused why they hadn't heard back. She said, "Unless your case is just somehow cursed to never get approved." I love you Heather, but that's not funny. grrr I then asked her what would happen if, say, someone found out about us from a friend of a friend, or whatever, but we weren't approved. She said that the baby would just be placed in an approved home until the background check came in. She's currently doing that for another couple. Even though nothing's really happening for us (it seems), I felt a lot of peace talking to her today.

My point is, I'm hopeful...and after being kind of sad...I was able to think a lot about Callie -- how she so perfectly came to us. God was so involved in her placement into our family. And, there's no question that that same thing is happening now. It may feel like things are taking forever or that things aren't working as WE planned (isn't that always the case?), but I believe that it's working out exactly how Heavenly Father has planned it. I have faith in that...I have faith in Him.

So, yes, it'll happen one day -- when our baby and his birth family have been prepared to connect with an addition their new family: the Marcus, Jenny, Samantha, and Callie Greens.