|8 months old|
I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling especially tender about Samantha lately. More often, I'm stop in the middle of what I'm doing, think about what an angel she is, and I just tear up. It lasts a brief moment but it's happening often. If I didn't intentionally stop myself, I would be in full out cry mode all the time. And I really don't have time for that. I pray that this constant reminder of what a blessing Sammy is in my life is merely a time when I'm spiritually growing, becoming more connected in my life, recognizing my blessings....and not that I'm being prepared for something...something I don't want to think about. I think back to some very difficult times in her life...
|Just out of surgery|
|Finally able to hold her|
and I count our blessings. The truth is, as extremely difficult as it all was in the beginning, she has gotten easier over time. Things have just kind of evened out and hit a happy and welcomed lull. Her seizures, for the most part, are stable. Overall, as she has grown and matured, she has mellowed out. She really only cries when she's hurt or upset. And when she does cry, it's so sad you can't help but join in. We definitely still have our concerns, but she is so pleasant and such a true joy to be around.
|Doing well. Still swollen and hair already slowly coming in.|
Here's the thing...and it's very simple. I am so blessed. When it comes to my children, I feel like I am so incredibly blessed...and it all began with Sammy. Her entry into the world wasn't an ideal start. In fact, it was rather emotionally traumatizing. But her life, her little spirit, has filled our home with so much love. I want to be a better person because of her. I want to make sure I'm always worthy to be by her side...and quite frankly, I'm not. She's so much better than I am...just a far better person. She has this beautiful capacity to love and trust, so immediately. Often, I wonder if the biggest lesson that I need to learn from her isn't just that -- to love and trust immediately. To love and trust the Lord...immediately. I'm working on it. There are other lessons that I've learned from her, that's for sure. Patience. That's a big one. Acceptance. Tolerance. Hope. Faith. But those, I am finding, are secondary to that one big one...the need to put all my trust in the Lord...just as she puts all her trust in us. I haven't figured it all out yet, and I don't think I'm expected to either. So it's ok.
|Father's Day 2008|
Sammy and Callie both look just baby dolls
She brings sunshine into our home. My days are happier when I've spent time alone with Sammy. It only needs to be a little bit, but I feel my day is whole when I've had a little time with just her and me. (Well, that's kind of true for all my kids...but I'm talking about Sammy right now.) That's one reason that I look forward to putting her to bed. It's time when I can just hold her. She curls up in my arms and just rests there. She looks up at me usually once or twice, smiles, and then nestles in again and cozies on up. It's frequently one of the sweetest parts of my day.
My life isn't perfect. But I'm ok with that. There's a Colin Raye song that I've referenced before...She's With Me. In many ways, I feel like that's Sammy's song. I feel like her imperfect perfection is my ticket into heavenly splendor. As long as she's with me, I'm maybe good enough to slide in...because she's making me a better person. Maybe she can vouch for me and she'll let the angels and sentinels know, "Don't worry guys, she's with me." I truly believe Samantha is my personal angel -- slowly smoothing out my rough edges, encouraging me, lifting me, and at times pulling me along.