Healing My Heart

Tonight, Marcus and I went to the park with these two beauties.

Easter 2012

It was healing to my heart.

We had so much fun!

On Monday night, we have family night, and we try to always explicitly "teach" something before we play and have fun.  Today, we talked about the importance of exercise and taking care of our bodies.  We've had the discussions about eating healthy foods, limiting treats (which Callie is getting so good at...seriously I'm so proud of her), etc.  But today, we focused on the importance of moving our bodies.

Then, we played.

And we played.

We ran up and down the jungle gym.  

We went down the slides.  

Callie climbed.  

Sammy squealed.  

We chased each other.

Callie pretended I was a spider and I chased them all around the park.

Marcus and I even played on the teeter-totter.  I'm not sure when the last time was that I did that.

And Marcus and I enjoyed every single minute of it.

I'm a blessed woman.

Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

Great book!

Back in 2009, I believe, I attended a Writer's Workshop at BYU.  I only attended the afternoon sessions, though I wish I could have done it all day long.  The mornings were actual workshop time when you met as individual groups with an author.  There you wrote and shared what you wrote, got feedback, edited, etc.  What an incredible experience that would have been.  But, I had 2 kids and felt extremely blessed to have great friends who watched the girls while I attended the afternoon "lectures."  Fantastic!  I feel like I learned so much and would absolutely love to attend the conference again one day.

Many of the authors/editors suggested this book.  It is a book, they all said, that will help you write more better (as Callie would say).  Last year, I bought the $1.25.  It was worth every penny.  In fact, I would have paid $1.50 for it!  It's that good.

No, but really.  There are many things I loved about the book.  A few include the fact that Ms. Goldberg made me look at writing in a different way.  She offers exercises you can actually do to improve your writing, if you are looking for that.  It's written very conversationally.  It's an enjoyable read.  I felt, just by reading it, I became a touch better in my writing...only because it really made me think differently.  One thing I love about this book is it can be read slowly.  It took me about a year to read this book because other things kept taking priority.  But, I wondered if it was meant to be read that way ~ slowly.  Each chapter can be thought about for a few days, weeks, months even.  

I'm glad I bought the book because I'll definitely refer back to it, especially when I feel like I'm in a writing slump.  This is a great book for anyone who enjoys writing.

Officially "No"

We received a phone call yesterday afternoon informing us that our birthmother has decided to "parent the baby."  The baby will be placed in her home today as long as she has acquired all the things she needs -- diapers, bottles, clothing, formula, bedding, etc.

Though this is what we expected, I'm still sad.  I wasn't expecting the phone call until Monday when we were scheduled for the court hearing, however, but am grateful we know and don't have to wait any longer.

I'm sad for a lot of reasons.  Sad that her reason for keeping the baby was her own mother's threats.  Sad that this baby will grow up in an unsafe neighborhood (according to the birthmother).  Sad that she won't be with us.  Sad that the next thing I'll do is pack up her baby clothes that were waiting for her.

But, I know we'll be ok.

The part I struggle with is not being able to fully trust myself.  We fasted.  We prayed.  We prayed.  We studied.  And we prayed!  I really felt like I had a real answer that this was right.  This was our baby.  There were other things a long the way that have happened...and when we got the phone call and as we took time to make sure this was right...it was like eveything added up.  I could connect the dots.  It was right.

But it wasn't.

We have a $1200 airline credit.  I told Marcus that if we don't use that within a year...it's lost.  So, if we end up not using that to travel for a baby by April 2013 -- I say we go to Hawaii!  I mean, it just seems like the right thing to do.

"Alooooooha," I say!  Alooooooooooha!

January 2008.

Family of Four

How Life Happens

See this family?

What do you think when you see this family?

It seems that what I see and what I am currently feeling are not the same.

Don't let me mislead you...

We are happy, and I daresay, fun.  We love each other and are all together a pretty great family ~ for us anyway.  I am so happy.  I feel like we are becoming who we are supposed to be, and that's a great, great thing.  But, today I'm sad.

Let me just throw this out, however.

Adoption.

I may have written about this before (I have certainly talked about it before), but all things that bring us the most peace and happiness in this life also has the potential to bring us the most pain.  The most sorrow.  The most grief.  But, that isn't necessarily bad.  In the moment, it may not feel like it's fun or great...but in the long run (if we can keep our vision on "the long run"), it works out better.  And the pain, sorrow, and grief is replaced by comfort, peace, and love.  Little by little.  I believe it, partly because I experienced a small portion of that through Samantha.

The past week we have been working on an adoption placement.  After our last adoption placement fell through, I was leery to share what was going on here with anyone.  I was afraid to get hurt again, and somehow not telling people about it, I figured, would protect me?  Yeah.  Dumb.  Nothing can really protect you from pain unless you aren't human.  I am.  Human that is.

We've been busy juggling schedules and preparing for this new little girl in our home.  I pulled out all the baby clothes and washed them, folded them, and have them ready to go.  Samantha, Callie, and I are leaving tomorrow.

Except I'm not packing my bags.  

I'm possibly not bringing a baby home.

Today, I cried.  

Today, when I told Callie, she cried.  She was really looking forward to getting "our baby."  She didn't understand why she wasn't going to have a sister.  

And I cried as she cried.
And we hugged.

I don't understand a lot of things:

why this is happening again

why we can't just have another experience like we did with Callie

how we are possibly going to create the family we envisioned

why I felt sooo sooo good about this baby and birthmother entering our lives...to potentially not have it happen

but what I do know, and what I told Callie tonight, is no matter what

I love our family.

I may be sad.

I may not have the family I "planned" on

But he is enough

 She is enough

 And she is enough

  

 I'm not giving up.  I'm not trying to get that message across.  But with all the emotions I am feeling, among them is a deep deep, insanely deep gratitude for the ones I do have now (while simultaneously feeling a little numb -- it's strange).  Marcus, who is my best friend.  Who supports me in everything.  EVERYthing.  Who will always be by my side.  Samantha, who has taught me faith, hope, and patience.  Who brings light everywhere she goes.  Who teaches me through her innocence and purity.  Callie, who is kind and smart.  Who is my buddy and does anything she can to help.  Who is truly compassionate and sensitive to other people.  Who is one of the reasons I still have hope for our future family and having more kids.  She is my reminder, daily, that we can still have the family we are supposed to have...that Heavenly Father has prepared for us.  Because, yes, I feel He is that intimately involved.  

So, things will happen as they should.  And I will continue to love love love my family ~ and perhaps, even more.

This is not

The End

This is life.

Oh My Goodness

It's been awhile since I wrote anything.  And, I also realized it had been awhile since I downloaded some pictures.  And tonight, when I finally did, I came across these pictures.  Oh. My. Goodness!!!  This is from the last day of therapy in Utah.  She was doing so well and was in such a great mood.  I can't help but think that she is happier when she is in more control.  It makes sense anyway.

I have one dang cute girl.  

That's all.

Young Sammy

While looking for something today on Marcus' computer, I came across this picture of Sammy.  Oh my goodness.  What a freakin' cute kid!  Agh!  This was a few years back now while we were in town visiting Grammy and Grandpa.  She was really enjoying the water from the hose this day.  She's just put her mouth over the hose and let it pour in...while it simultaneously spewed out of her mouth.

It's so crazy to stumbled across pictures like this.  That was such a funny moment, so it's a good memory.  But it's amazing to see how far she's come.  She's our little star.

Sweatin'

I have been so not good at keeping our blog updated since being here at therapy.  I truly believed I would...but this time has been much different.  I have struggled with feeling sick.  I have been planning parts of YW Camp from here.  AND, I'm trying the best I can to help Diane plan Sweatin' for Sammy again. 

Sweatin' for Sammy.  I'm not even the "event coordinator" and it stresses me out beyond belief!  Sweatin' for Sammy -- yes I'll be doing it while I run the 10K that day with her in the stroller, BUT I'm doing plenty of pre-sweatin' as we plan.  Seriously.  I'm starting to fear that people won't register.  That no one will show up.  That sponsorships won't pull through.  That we won't get all the food and water we need.  That it'll be a wash.  And it  S T R E S S E S   me out.  I have people here who know people in California...and they're sending emails out...but this whole business is scary.

On another note, Samantha's been doing really well.  I'm proud of her.  Four weeks is a long time and I think she's tired and done.  She can hang in there...it's her last day after all.  And, we've already scheduled her next session for August.  I did take videos yesterday that I meant to get posted, however, Marcus came in town and we celebrated his birthday, and I was just happy he was here.  Videos will come later.  Perhaps even when we get back home.

The point:

Life is good.

Register for Sweatin' for Sammy -- and recruit a friend, or 50, with you!  Go to the website  www.sweatinforsammy.com before prices go up!