Gratitude

Today, I felt an immense sense of gratitude.  No, it was more than that.  I felt flooded with love and...ugh...gratitude.  I'm really trying to find a different word here, but it's not working.  Because, you see, that is exactly what it was.  One moment I was slightly overwhelmed with worry, and a moment later, I was crying because I was so grateful for my children.  Yes, it revolves around them.  And it's not because it's November and Thanksgiving is approaching.  I wish I were that thoughtful and used this month to focus on all I'm grateful for, but I'm not.  I'm neither that thoughtful nor organized to make my lists in preparation for Thanksgiving (though I enjoy reading everyone else's).  No, rather, I was just in a moment.

Samantha has had 2 therapy appointments in 2 days.  These early mornings are dreaded.  They really are.  It's not fun getting up early, sometimes even pulling Sammy out of bed when she's in a comfortable, cozy sleep...only to quickly feed her breakfast and take her to a place she probably doesn't enjoy too much.  Micah crawls all over the place, pulls plugs out of the walls...or tries to stick his fingers into the outlets.  It's all very frustrating.  But, it's also all very necessary...and not that bad.

Sammy's been struggling.  She is tight.  And I'm not talking about..."that's tight yo."  No.  It's not cool.  She's painfully tight.  I don't understand what it is in her brain that tells her body to curl up, to constantly flex her muscles, to not move properly.  I've been giving her warm baths each night to help relax her muscles.  Afterwards, she gets her nightly massage.  This week I was feeling especially in love with her, and as I cuddled with her on the couch...Callie came up and brushed Sammy's hair to the side.  "Callie, you know what I wonder?  I wonder what Sammy would be like if she didn't have all these problems.  Would she be funny?  Serious?  What would she talk about?"  And what I was thinking but didn't say was, "I wonder what games you guys would play together and what you would argue about.  I wonder who would sleep on the top bunk and if she would let you play with her friends."  And it kind of broke my heart.

I noticed Sammy had a small bloody nose on the way to school.  And that small bloody nose triggered something that brought tears to my eyes.  What if something really happened to Sammy?  What would I do?  How could I function?  How could I get up each day?  She brings so much light to my life.  And then Micah interrupted my thoughts with a squeal and I thought...Micah!  What would I do if something happened to him?  I would be crushed.  My heart hurt thinking about it.  He's my cuddlebug.  He's my little man.  He adores me just as much as I adore him, and I can't imagine...cannot imagine my life without him.  I had this image of myself crying on the couch, holding Callie...or maybe it was an image of her comforting me...and then boom.  Callie.  What would I do without Callie?  She's my helper.  My buddy.  My little friend.  I have more conversations with her than I do with anyone else!  Today we had an in-depth conversation about if mice could drive.  The ridiculousness of it all made me laugh.  She brings laughter to my life.  I love her so much.

I feel so blessed.  I can't imagine my life without these 3 little kids.  They make me better, I hope anyway.  My world revolves around Samantha's therapies, medications, and schedules -- Callie's school, activities, and friends -- Micah's naps, meals, and tickle attacks.  These 3 have become our world, in a very very good way.  I can't imagine our lives without them.

Sammy and Callie are asleep.  Micah is playing with Grandpa...probably taking Grandpa on a tour of his own house as I type while Marcus talks to his mom.  I sit in our family room and feel so much love.  So much gratitude.

I am blessed.