Tonight I was looking for a post back in January where I thought I may have written down my resolutions/goals for the year. I stumbled across this post and it led to this post. In the previously mentioned post (can I say post just one more time?), I wrote about why I love being a mom. But in it, I also stated the following:
I must be coming to some kind of crossroads in my life because lately I've been thinking a lot about change and everything that has changed in my life over the past 10 years. I hope this isn't the Lord preparing me for some kind of impending trial.
Six months later, I think that quite possibly was what the Lord was doing -- preparing me for a trial. Spokane has been extremely difficult for me for a few reasons, but one in particular which I care not to disclose at this time. And, most of you would probably think it was trivial anyway...but to me, it was certainly not. "The trial" had already begun when I wrote the January post, but I was not yet fully aware of how intense it would become. Now, one could easily say that Samantha has been a trial for us. I don't quite feel that most of the time. In fact, I believe she is more of a blessing than anything. Sure, there are some specific trying situations associated with our lovebug -- her seizures are hard for me still -- and I feel like those, at times, are a trial of our faith. But even those are only for short periods of time. This particular trial has been consistently painful and emotionally arduous for the past 6 months. No breaks. No moments of reprieve. Unfortunately, I believe there were plenty of times when I complained and didn't handle it well -- and maybe, by my own immaturity, I delayed the end of the trial. I was just so physically, emotionally, and spiritually worn out. Never have I experienced anything quite like this -- and hope to not have to experience anything like this again. But, through it all, I believe that I gained a better understanding of the church and the gospel. I most definitely gained a deeper testimony of prayer. And I gained a greater love and appreciation for my husband. During this time, I have also created some friendships that, without them knowing it, were a greater support to me than they could ever realize.
It wasn't until tonight when I looked back to January that I recognized the Lord preparing me for this trial. At that time, my thoughts were so focused on my family and the joy I receive from being a wife and mother. I didn't realize then how important those thoughts would be to me in order to ground me during such a troubling time. The Lord does prepare us for the storm. We may not recognize it at first, but He does prepares us. And I believe that through earnest prayer, He will also sustain us.
At one point, I would have packed up my bags and moved from Spokane with only 10 minute notice, believing that fleeing from Spokane would solve the problem. But it seems like something crazy happened overnight. I'm attached. We don't know exactly when we are leaving, but the idea of it makes me a little sad. Maybe it's because of my friends. Maybe it's because of all I've learned here. But really, it's probably a lot of both. I'm grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that enable us to survive when we feel like we can't -- or when we don't want to. I've experienced a lot of His tender mercies here, and feel nothing but blessed.