She's With Me

Well, my friend, Maren, had me bawling again. Thanks Maren. The timing couldn't have been more perfect though. It was a rough day for me. I wasn't feeling my usual peppy self -- ha -- and Samantha has just been downright m o o d y the past few days. Today was no exception for her, and I was just...blargh. I put up with it, of course, I mean really, what's my option? But my neck and arms are scratched up from holding her throughout the day -- and though it's not intentional, she really scratches pretty hard.

I'm sure people think that I let my daughter abuse me because she really swings her arms, hitting and scratching...but it's just because she doesn't have the control. Ohhhh How strange we must really look to people. Sometimes I notice it more than others -- people looking at her strangely. Last night at the grocery store, 2 little girls noticed how rosy Sammy's lips are, not the fact that her head was tiny, but that her lips were so red. I was kind of thankful for that because I wasn't sure if I was up to explaining to this 4 and 3 year old why Sammy was so small. And it occurred to me, that this little girl was just about 6 months older than my tiny compact kiddo, and I wondered. What would Sammy look like and be like if she were...different. I can't help those thoughts from coming. Sometimes, I just wonder. I've actually been thinking a lot about her as we've been looking for a minivan. I think about the space we'll need for a wheelchair one day. I think about where the best place for her in the car would be. And then I feel such love for not only her, but for Callie, who I ask so much of. At only 2 years old, I expect her to be more sensitive and tender than most kids her age...but she's that way anyway. I have to remember she's only 2.

Sammy, she seems to perpetually be 2-3 years old in my mind. But my big girl's turning 4 in a couple months! And no matter how old she is, I will proudly carry her wherever she needs to go. And I'll gladly be scratched up. And I'll love that little girl with all my heart...more and more each day (even when she's a little pesky).

Today despite the screaming and crying, we had a few moments of calm. Callie, Samantha, and I were on the back porch, enjoying the sunshine. I was tired and laid down...Samantha just sat on my stomach. Callie was laying down next to me, insisting she was sleeping with a dragon (she's got such an imagination), and I looked up at Sammy. With the sun shining behind her, she gave me the biggest smiles when our eyes met. It seemed so appropriate that my little beam of sunshine (though today for Sammy it was pretty overcast with scattered showers) was enveloped by the sun.

I often wonder what's going through her head. I know she may never be able to tell me, but one day she will. And she'll say "I love you Mommy." That will be pretty great.

Back to Maren...so all these thoughts I had today, and then I read Maren's blog, and I hear this song for the first time. Collin Raye, one of the few country singers that I really do like, has a new song out called "She's With Me" about his little granddaughter who has a neurological disorder. It's not only a beautiful song, but it really hit home. It so perfectly wrapped up my thoughts and feelings about Samantha. And I was a mess as I listened to the song. So, for all of you brave enough to endure....enjoy.

She’s With Me
I proudly tell the maitre de as we arrive
He seems surprised
In a clumsy moment as he looks for room, for her blessed chair
A table stares, and their eyes show only pity
as they try to sympathize
Oh, how difficult that must be, look away
Day after day, they’ll never see, the joy you bring
Only happy at the times I know that she’s with me

I wear it like a badge of honor at the mall
I hear her call, the only way that she is able with a cry
Time to go bye bye, she can’t say why
Maybe tired, maybe hurting, god I wish that I could tell
Do I ever make her happy for awhile
To see her smile, makes my week,
Though she can’t speak,
She let’s me know she feels my love when she’s with me

I know just what heaven looks like when I see that perfect face
For no other mortal heart could be so fair
I myself so weak and weary, so imperfect as a man
How could I be the one you chose to care for our girl
Never done a single deed to earn the right to share her light
Though it’s such a painful road we walk each day
Lord you have your ways, this I pray
On the day I stand before you, she’ll stand right by my side
When you look upon me, head hung down in shame
I’ll feel the blame, she’ll look at me,
And then she’ll speak, in that precious voice
Don’t worry ‘bout him my lord, cuz you see,
He’s with me