Not too long ago Marcus and I received an email. It was regarding a young woman who was pregnant and interested in getting more information, possibly even speaking over the phone. It was an exciting thought, however, I had just finished reading a book about adoption, which reminded me that this process is that...a process for all involved. I immediately made the assumption that there were several families she was probably considering. I'm glad I did. We never made contact. I can safely assume that this young woman has chosen another family. And that's ok. It really is. In fact, I found myself praying for her, that she would find the right home for her baby...and it was sincere. I wanted her to find her baby's family...not be persuaded to choose us somehow. It was a sincere, true charitable love that I felt for her -- a concern for both she and her baby. Anyway.
That email came at a time when I was terribly frustrated with our current adoption situation. At times it feels like things are just taking too long. I'm 30 (I know, I'm still young...blah blah blah), have 2 kids, and if I want a big family -- which I do -- then we got to get crackin' here. But then, sadly, I realize that what I ought to be thinking is "If Heavenly Father has a big family planned for me..." instead of what I want. And, that can make me even sadder considering the possibility that what I want is so far from what Heavenly Father wants for me. (sigh) So, I was stuck in these kinds of thoughts when we got this email. That email was enough to boost my spirits. I began to feel like there was hope. After all, someone was looking at our profile...maybe our birthmother will too.
The problem is, it's now been a couple weeks, and I get sad from time to time. I'm extremely busy, which is good I suppose. But I want another baby. I wonder how that would work with everything going on. How could we possibly have another baby? But it's right, ya know? I have found myself checking the email account that we rarely use but the one that we received the adoption email on, multiple times a day...just in case.
The day will come when I hold a baby in my arms again. I will brush his or her hair, and feel the soft baby skin. I'll look into her eyes and wonder if it's possible for this little baby to comprehend how blessed I feel, and how full of love I am. I'll teach Callie to properly hold her new sibling and indulge her mothering side. I'll introduce Samantha to her new brother or sister and wait patiently as she begins to understand that this baby is stickin' around for a good long ever. We'll smell baby lotion and formula. There will be stinky diapers and funny pictures. And most definitely, Marcus and I will sleep less...but love more.
I think we're ready...and waiting.