Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Boy of My Dreams

Tonight I sit with Micah curled up on my chest...and I think about how we got here.

You see, Micah's story really began 3 years ago.

Three years ago we were living in Spokane, Washington.  Marcus and I both felt like it was time to start the adoption process again and it was right around that time when the dreams came.  I kept having a recurring dream, which doesn't normally happen to me.  And so, I paid attention.  My dream included a young black boy...maybe 5 or 6 years old.  The dream wasn't too detailed.  I just remember seeing him and knowing he was my son.  Though lacking in detail, the dream was a happy one.  This dream would enter my sleep at least 4 times a week for a few weeks.

Then the dreams stopped.

Over the next few years, we had a difficult time even getting approved for this adoption.  We moved to California and all our paperwork went through the state of California.  Fingerprints kept being denied and had to be resubmitted and it just seemed like one thing after another held up our paperwork.  It was very frustrating.  Even the adoption agency was baffled at all the problems we were having.

Once approved -- we waited.  Waited for a birth parent to find us and choose us.  We prayed for all birth parents, but specifically that our birth mom would recognize us...that we'd be led to each other.

Before Micah, we had a couple adoption placements fall through.  Those were very painful experiences.

Only about two weeks after a failed placement, we were contacted by our birth mother.  I was still heartbroken about our failed placement and so I didn't take this email from Lindsey too seriously.  I answered her questions and was open and honest.  But I really didn't think anything would come from the correspondence.  I figured her email was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father giving me encouragement to not give wait for our baby.  Never did I imagine that Lindsey was preciously who we were waiting for.

After weeks of emailing at least once a day, we met.

Lindsey, her mom, and friend came down to visit us and we spent the day at Happy Hollow.  During that meeting, our caseworker discussed what it would look like if we were to move forward...if Lindsey were to place her baby with us.  Honestly, we weren't eager for her to decide if we were her family or not.  We had been through 2 people who had changed their minds and I wanted to make sure Lindsey felt good about her choice.  I didn't want her to feel any kind of pressure from us, and we tried to make sure she knew that.  However, during that meeting, after a very lengthy discussion...we had a special gift exchange.  It was Sammy's birthday that coming weekend, so they got Samantha a gift and Callie one...just because.  We got her some bath stuff to remind herself to take care of herself....and then, she gave us a gift.  In it were baby clothes and a beautiful letter.  At the end, she wrote, "Congratulations.  It's a boy!"  From that point on, our relationship really began to take off.  Even still, I kept all of this quiet, not quite yet ready to share the news with everyone.

We continued our emails, phone calls, and get-togethers.  We were loving Lindsey more and more, but I still didn't believe it was real.  I was afraid to really believe this was going to happen...just in case.

The closer things got, the more real it became.  Marcus and I have always wanted an open adoption, but we didn't really know what that would be like.  Meeting Lindsey and getting to know her and love her...we realized what this open adoption would be like and it felt so so good.  I know we had been waiting for a baby, but all of a sudden, I wasn't thinking about a baby.  I was always thinking about Lindsey.  I was consumed thinking about her.  And we realized, if Lindsey had said she didn't want an open adoption anymore, we would be crushed.  I would feel like I lost a sister.

Not everyone will be able to understand this.  I'm not sure I would totally get it if I hadn't experienced it myself.  But when something like this is right, even when pain is involved, there is a bond that is created.  Lindsey would always comment on how much peace she good she felt about this decision because she truly felt like it was the right thing to do.  I don't think anything is ever worth sacrificing that divine peace you receive when you know what you are doing is right.  However, one would be completely absurd to believe that the peace replaces all pain.  Lindsey was going to go through a great loss, and because we love her so much, that was hard for me to be a part of.  We continually prayed that she would feel comfort, peace, and an overwhelming abundance of the Savior's love for her...especially when things got hard.

Micah's birth story is incredible to me.  I'm so honored that Lindsey included me in those intimate moments (or in her case...hours and hours and hours).

A week or so before Micah was born, when Lindsey was over, we talked about the upcoming birth and adoption placement.  I shared with her the dreams I had had three years ago.  In a way, I'm grateful for the pain we experienced with those failed placements.  I think those other kids would have been just fine.  We could have been a happy family.  But Lindsey was supposed to enter our lives, and we were supposed to enter hers.  Lindsey will always be a part of Micah's life.  Her standing, her presence, and her influence will always be a part of who he is and who he becomes.  I, again, feel honored to be her son's raise him.  And I'm so glad for Micah that he will always know the humble, faithful, and beautiful mom who brought him into this world, gave him life, and gave him a future she didn't feel like she could give him.  

Micah is already such a blessing.  He brings such a soothing, calm, and peaceful spirit about him.  I know he will be a source of light and peace in our home and in the lives of all who love him.

He is the little boy we have waited for.
He is the boy of my dreams.


Joy said...

I love how you can say what I feel in such a beautiful and articulate way.....thank you for blogging and gifting everyone who reads your posts with uplifted spirits!

Lant Family said...

I think you guys look like sisters :)

Hailey Evans said...

You are amazing Jenny! I loved reading your thoughts about your experience. So happy for you guys!

Adespain said...

Thank you for sharing this Jenny . . . we are so happy for you guys and so excited. It is certainly a blessing for us to still even be able to stay in touch via blogging as we are humbled and in awe by your sweet, wonderful family

Jennie said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. We can't wait to see how this little boy is woven into the fabric of your lives. He is already such a part of it and for that... I'm thrilled for you!

Adriane said...

That is an absolutely amazing story. I haven't been keeping up w/ blogs lately and I was so happy for you when I read you had a new little one!!! Congrats!!! And thanks for sharing your story - we still think of adopting someday and this really helped me understand open adoption better. What a beautiful experience :)

Pauline Sandberg said...

I admire you both, the birth parents and the foster parents. Building a good relationship for the child is great. Your open adoption story is very inspiring.

Hoping for the better, keep it up!


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